existing (02)

I know no one reads these but TW//eating disorders, self-harm, dog fights, suicide


I hate setting boundaries; I'll make that clear. but I am trying to get better, maybe that's why I'm writing this. I don't know, I'll digress and truthfully, I don't think I know anything anymore. About an hour earlier, i had to set boundaries with my friends. they are the loves of my life, I don't see myself as someone capable of romantic love, whatever label you want to call it I don't care. Both of them have eating disorders. this is a bad thing, not only because of what it does to its victim, but because my mom has one. She went got help for it but things like that never really leave a person. It's a sad thing really. It's a big trigger for me, and eventually my mom said she is going to talk to me about everything that she went through at the phyc-ward, and the hospitals. Part of me doesn't want to know. Friend 1, counts the calories, weight, messuments, all the numbers, which is ironic considering he is really bad at maths and hates numbers, he said that starving feels good. friend 2, doesn't care about numbers, she just doesn't eat, hers is more looks based, friend 1 is more control based. This is a really scary thing; I don't want them to hurt like that. I want them to be okay, I love them more than I've ever loved anything, ever. This is ironic too, I don't like physical touch, and I say I don't like people, but I love people, I hate trusting. I'm too clingy, I get that from my mom too. I cannot express how much I want them to be okay, but I can't fix people, I've learned that the hard way. I'll probably edit this and go more into detail about everything later, honestly, I should be writing this to my therapist. My dogs fought in the hallway a little bit ago. I hate dog fights. I don't like dogs because of this. They fight, for no reason, they are so aggressive about everything. Perhaps I dislike them because they remind me of myself. I watched a big dog tear apart a little dog, just because. It bit into its neck, shook its head and thrashed it to death, and ripped it to little bits. Then, once I was staying at an old friend's house, alone, and her bigger dog killed the smaller one, bit into its neck, and snapped it. The poor thing was death within the second. I watched as my friend screamed and sobbed, shaking and holding the lifeless body, begging for it to wake up. It was there I learned that God isn't real. Death is a funny thing. Life is too, I guess. you need one to have the other. I don't know. I need sleep.