You're just a warm body to hold

Farewell to Nineteen; Twenty - by sinci_dol [OC content]

Rough Draft, November 22, 2024. Not Beta read I am writing this as we speak.

In the helplessness of the silk sheets draping over the two bodies, Theo could've sworn that this was love. The way Jean's hand was tucked around Theo's stomach, his head buried deep into their neck, mumbling nonsense in his sleep, this was love. It had to have been love, friends don't hold each other this closely, nor do they kiss on the lips either. Clearly they were lovers, they even had matching hip tattoos, forever connecting them by skin.

The cold night encasing the the pair, encouraging Jean to hold Theo even tighter for warmth. Even though Jean looks tiny in comparison with Theo, his arms were strong and sturdy. Stable enough to keep Theo together in the restlessness of the night, enough to keep Theo a fool to his warmth.

It didn't matter that Jean has never professed his love clearly to Theo, Theo was sure that Jean loved him the same way he does. He hoped that every single time Jean said that "he loved this," that "this" meant him, and not the action itself. With the desire in Jeans eyes, and the need for companionship in his words, surely Jean needed Theo as much as Theo needed him. Afterall, Jean was the one who called Theo over this night, saying that he felt lonely, and that he needed to hold something. Something.

That's all Theo is to Jean, a thing. Theo always knew that he was just an object to Jean, but it would've been nice if Jean at least pretended to care. It didn't even matter if he meant it at all, Theo just wanted some sort of affirmation that he's loved in some form. Jean held Theo tightly, that was affirmation. Jean contacted Theo first, that's affirmation. Jean told him that he loved this, that's affirmation. Jean said that Theo was something valuable, that's affirmation. Jean kissed Theo so tenderly, that's affirmation. Jean is letting Theo stay the night, that's affirmation, right?

Theo closes his eyes, he's tired of questioning their relationship. He's tired of having to ask himself is this what he really wanted. Even if it looked like love, it felt hollow. Even when looking directly into Jean's eyes, Theo couldn't tell what his "lover" was thinking. "What a beautiful smile, paired with dull cold eyes," that's all Theo could think of. It never mattered that Jean held him close and kissed him like no one would ever have, these sweet nothings were completely devoid of love. Theo has always knew this, Jean is devoid of love. 

He knew it when Jean didn't care to respond to his texts, he knew it when Jean didn't hold his hand when they walked around the campus, and he knew it when he first saw Jean walk into their class and introduce himself. Jean was just a living corpse, pretending to feel like a person.

Even with the warmth of Jean's arms, his heart felt cold. It feels like a joke, a cruel joke, knowing that even though Jean doesn't love Theo unconditionally, he still kept Theo in his arms. It's more of a joke that Theo is playing along in this act, willingly ignorant towards Jean's feelings.

Eventually, but surely, Theo's eyelids have grown tired of crying. He manages to sleep, dreaming that one day Jean would come to love him.

---- Authors note ----

Decided to use this account to post my oc's backstory/lore rough drafts ... When I polish them, I'll compile them all into a comprehensive story on ao3 maybe, or some other site and make a webnovel. This one's a little shorter than the main story... it focuses on the side couple (jean + theo.) I'll make a carrd to introduce all the characters too, maybe. if anyone is actually reading this i would love some criticism since creative writing is extremely new to me...  

i'll post the main story drafts eventually too.. this one is just third person focused, but the main story is first person. I'm also just unsure of the title, the main story is named farewell to nineteen (ft19) because the female lead's nickname is nineteen, however this is a side story that doesn't focus on the main couple (erica + nineteen/phuong)... I thought ft1920 sounded okay because like... thats the number after 19 but still, i'm not good at naming things and I have no clue about creative writing.... hahahaha this feels a little more stressful than an essay, I don't know what formats novels use.... and this is really short for a lot of my writing

i've gotten fairly positive feedback on ft19's rough draft, so I thought I might write ft1920 because i want to expand on the world+other characters, however i might also just scrap this since they're not my favorite ocs lol

edit; if u find grammar/spelling errors pls tell me