untitled writing

November 22, 2024

Why do I have the urge to runaway from the perfect life I was blessed with?  I have everything, a loving set of parents.   What makes a girl want to runaway from such a perfect home,  do I want to runaway for other reasons I can’t understand?    I love my life,  why would I want to runaway but the thought still feels comforting.   I’m smart enough to not runaway but im afraid of why I think about it.

Im a smart girl with fearful thoughts that rile me up.  My thoughts are proof that nothing in life will be good enough for me, it’s humiliating.  The horror of continuing a perfect life I was blessed with whilst still wanting more, it’s greedy.   I’ve met people with rough lives want nothing more than the things they managed to get hold of,  that humbles me.   My emotions are thinning,  im growing numb to the ‘greedy’ feeling,  I assume I’m just an ambitious girl who won’t settle for less.

If I continue life with this mindset, will I ever be happy?  Would it take a lifetime of getting EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted to feel a glimpse of satisfaction?   In this short life I’ve been given I can’t possibly do EVERYTHING in life,  so will I die feeling unsatisfied?   Even on my death bed would I feel like I didn’t get enough,  is that how greedy I am?   In the vulnerable place of my death bed I’d think only on the things I couldn’t do; rather than the things I did.  When I confront myself with my greed, my wit is sharp to bite back at myself and gaslight myself.   I won’t even listen to myself,  the person who knows me too much. 

My mother always tells me I’m a smart girl, but I don’t harvest that intelligence and put it to use.   I’ve been a first hand witness to those rare moments of putting those smarts to use,  im aware of what I’m capable of but I don’t use it more.  It’s an ugly tendency.