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I'll try to not be super shitpost-y since I do genuinely want to use this as a way to discuss my writing and characters but obviously I try to shield myself w humor online since I'm super sensitive IRL. It will probably help to be more vocal about my plans anyways since trying to hide them has done the opposite (even if I wanted to be a super secretive type that just comes out with a finished novel out of nowhere). ANYWAYS
Today I woke up feeling gross (sinus-related toothache from yesterday + general sinus issues even tho my current location helps me not experience the brunt of the sinus issues i used to have) and had one of those Dinty-Moore beef stews, and it was surprisingly good. It helped with the sinus issues like something hot always does. Despite having a relaxing morning, I was still anxious over going out, even if I was originally supposed to chill in the car. I will say that the main source of my anxiety (these days) is whenever plans are changed/tacked on. I need at least a week to prepare myself for an event, appt., or some other thing that's going to happen. So today instead of just tagging along with my mom to get her cigs, she instead whined + begged that I go into this hellish store with her. I caved because I didn't want her to escalate (like she did later in the day but we'll get there). When I say that this store is hellish, I mean it; the air is dry and the atmosphere is dreary. I don't find most stores to be this way at all, but I associate this specific type of store with bad memories of being stuck there for hours (thanks, Mom) and being yelled at because I complained abt dry air + the atmosphere. Anyways my symptoms (I assume it's a cold or a sinus infection) got worse and worse and by the time we were just about ready to leave, I was getting dizzy and weak. I at least got to sit in the car and wait another forty minutes for her to walk around this other store and get stuff we didn't need. In any case, we got back and that's when some tiny thing set her off. It didn't help that I started getting snippy because I was sick, anxiety-ridden, and in pain.
Naturally, we fought. However, she got up and left and I haven't seen her since! She left in the middle of making dinner for everyone in a rage-state, so I had to do most of the work. It came out well because I'm decent at cooking, but it was also fairly simple (penne and meatballs). My aunt and her wife left the house about fifteen minutes ago, so I'm thinking it's just me right now... and the pets. I'll have to actually scope the place out to see if my mom is back but I already apologized for being snippy (I always gotta apologize first to get even a hint of remorse back).
Despite the above, I feel better physically and mentally than when I woke up because:
- I took medicine and put my needs first after I'd foolishly not done so (I need to work on setting my boundaries, especially if I don't feel good)
- I made dinner for everyone
- I'm going to clean up everything
- I'm going to make myself another coffee (yay :3)
It's small things like the above that make my anxiety manageable, even in moments when I beat myself up and have guilt that I shouldn't (which is a story for another day). This post isn't meant to demonize my mom, by the way. We're very close, but she and I both know she tends to explode if someone hurts her feelings. In this case, it wasn't me who did that but I didn't help the situation. I do think she struggles with being aware of my feelings, though, and I have to reiterate them over and over until she understands them.
Just thought I would share how my day went since it was pretty mundane in a somewhat interesting way :3
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