How It Began 

Recently I’ve been cutting a lot of people out of my life. This includes family.  

The main person I decided to cut off was my mother. Some people might ask why, or say that’s too far. But we’ve never had a mother-daughter bond. I’ve tried to come up with things to do with her or things we have in common but whenever I get close it ends up in her yelling. Yelling about something small or something that she never minded or cared about before. There’s a saying my mother would say a lot to me and my brother growing up. It went something like, “You enjoy watching me yell!” or “You like it when I’m mad!” And to that I say, “Why in the world would I like hearing someone scream at me everyday over and over again?” 

Now yelling was just a piece of the cake with why I decided to cut her off. Another slice would be her comparing everything I do to her. Once something big happens in my life or I get an achievement I’ve worked towards, all I’d hear is “you’re so much like me.” and “that’s exactly what I have done.” Yes, I am her daughter, and yes, parents do have an influence on kids and some of their hobbies they may do, but feeling compared by your parent in almost everything you strive for makes you/me feel like I’ve never had my own achievement in life. Instead of giving thanks or praise all I’d get is competition. This is something parents shouldn’t be doing. Your child is NOT your competition!!

The cake isn’t even finished yet. What really threw me off the edge was the name calling and unneeded comments I’d get from her. Things like calling me ugly to straight up saying I look pregnant or fat. Between the ages of 11 and 15, I struggled with my weight, mainly due to the trauma and stress caused by living at home with my mother and her multiple boyfriends. And this led me to overeat and use food as a comfort for something I never had. Then, later in life, between 16 and 18, I started to starve myself. To put it mildly, she helped with it. I wouldn’t want to leave my room because I’d run into her, or be in the kitchen, where I’d hear her walking towards me just to say something spiteful. This made me uncomfortable growing up and made me never want to be home. 

I’ve wanted to move out since I was around the age of 11. That’s when I started to live with my mother more. From ages 5 to 10, I was living with my grandparents since my mom had to work random hours to afford our house. But once I turned 11, she got a new job and started to have more free time to spend with me. I can’t remember one thing we did together around that time. Once my mom started her new job she got pregnant with my brother. Now I love my brother, but this took away from her spending time with me. It seemed as if my mom preferred the company of men to that of her own child. 

Growing up with my brother, this topic became more aware. She’d break up with my brother’s dad, then move on to three other men who would be the worst choices to bring near your kids. Drugs; throwing things; constant fights; trying to control me and my brother; and at some point, one of them almost killing my mother, and her not call the cops or do anything about it because he had “blackmail.”  

In the end of the day, this was all just the icing on the cake any not even the full story. I’d go more into detail, but this blog would become a full- sized book. Plus, there’s some personal information that I wouldn’t want to go into, so I’ll just leave it around here unless I decide to go more in depth in the future. 

Acting Like I’m Dead 

Bringing this all to the present on why I wanted to start this blog is because I’ll get random messages from my mother. It’s been around six months since I moved out. So from time to time I’ll get an over-dramatic voicemail or text from her as if I were dead. Something I imagine people do to dead loved ones, just trying to cope. 

Yesterday, while at work, I got a random message from her saying, “I went to the *local cafe I tried to show her* and I thought of you.” Funny, because when I showed her the place, she was skeptical due to the decor or common people who’d go there. (It was a gay/ ally coffee shop)

My mother confuses me. She’s the type who thinks she’ll always get a second chance or plays the victim. Her texting me like this or sending me sad sounding voicemails is just her trying to lure me back. I’ve moved out twice before finally leaving town. Both times I lived with my grandparents, and both times I got lured back in. But I was a minor. Now it’s different. 

It’s rough, and yes, it makes me sad. But I know it’s for the best for me. My grandparents want me to make up so we can spend the holidays together, but I’m not interested. My mother makes me uncomfortable. I told them I’d still go to family holidays, but I’m never going to make up with her. Yes, I am sad about this outcome, but I’m also sad I didn’t get the loving mother I needed. 

I grew up without a father so my grandpa was my father figure. And now I’m another parent down. As a child, I grew up too quickly, but it ultimately worked out because now I’m not afraid to face challenges and take care of myself like an adult should. 

In public I get told I seem older than I am. I’m 20 years old, and since I was 18, I’ve been told I look/act 25-30 years old. I’m not sure how to take that, lol. Yes, I agree that in person I tend to carry an adult personality. But, looks-wise, sheesh. Maybe it’s all the stress I’ve gone through, lol. I’m praying xd. 

Well, sadly, she is my mother. I still wish there was something, even though I know there probably never will be. Additionally, my brother still lives with her. And I don’t want to cut him out of my life as well, just because of our situation. So that's why I don't have her blocked if anyone wonders why.

xoxo,

kub (kubbxs)