when i lost her

i wrote this a year ago now when my cat tia passed away but i feel like is fitting to be shared here, i also just want to share her light with the few people who may stumble across this post 

I love you Tia

Today my cat was put to sleep, she was 15 and she's been stuck by my side since I was 3. we were like sisters, she truly was my little fur baby. She was such a happy friendly cat, best temperament you could wish for. Always down to be cuddled, slept in my bed every night. I loved her so so much.

About 6 months ago she began not eating and smelling bad and it started as a gum infection and something with her thyroid, we got medication but on our 3rd visit they told up that the best option was to be put to sleep. I already knew this was coming, she would not come in much, she was peeing inside, she could not eat at all, i knew this was the best option. But the whole time she was still so friendly and loving if you went to her. she would just sit in the sun like always, she would still meow and purr when you pet her, but she just looks so so weak.

today she was purring until the end, she had so much love left in her, and i just feel like if taken her away from that, I can still see her sunbathing but i feel as if i've just shaded the sun. I decided i don't want to bury her until tomorrow so she's curled up on her cushion under her blanket, i need some more time to say goodbye, she just looks so peaceful, every time i stroke her i expect the little 'prrt' at her to look at me with so much love. I just want to hear the catflap, and her to sunbathe in the garden just a little longer. but i cant shake the feeling that 1 took that from her, i need her back sleeping under my quilt. or to run in my room and go straight to her scratching post. or when i'd get home she would great me from wherever and wait for me to unlock the door instead of opening the catflap. i could go on. there are places she would sit in my house all the time and now they just make me sob, i can just imagine her laying there

I really have never felt pain like this before, i'm scared it will never leave me, but i'm also scared that it will. the thought that one day i won't think about her, maybe weeks then months will go by where she doesn't cross my mind, and then she's truly gone. I never want that. just want her back

I love you baby