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Just how severely was I masking?
When I finally realized I was autistic in 2022, the mask came off.
Since then, i've lost a lot of people - some that I literally would never have expected... for whatever reason we just did not mesh anymore. In many ways, it's freeing and has made sense of many past memories but in others, there's new challenges.
Some say I am a completely different person and others say I seem more relaxed (I'm fuckin depressed and stressed asf still?)
I still get told I look like I'm upset all the time but thats just how my relaxed face has always been.
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Gray
I had to look up what unmasking was, I'm not familiar and used to all these new trendy terms. Can't say I experienced it during my diagnosis. I can only remember I eventually learned how to act normal so I got along with everyone and was making more friends. The anti social in me started getting stressed so I stopped caring and feeling like it wasn't worth all the work. Lost most people, went back to leaving bad impressions and getting harassed by a bit of people but that's the price you pay to just chill and have friends that actually feel good to talk to and hang with.
But this was during my teen years, nowdays I seemingly don't seem to exist as I stay in my bubble. So no one is really fighting me or starting shit. Which I suppose as an adult that would be very sad if you cared about how others are so this dead like lifestyle is normal. Funny how some things work out.
Hazel
I had a similar experience when I was first diagnosed. It's say it's a common reaction when someone gets diagnosed.
It's a bit intense to find out that all those years of thinking that something's "wrong" was just how my brain was wired differently. Then you gotta rethink your entire childhood, your life as a whole with needs that weren't met.
Because when you fully realize that you are neurologically different than other people, you notice your own behaviors way more.
Eventually you make peace with it and acknowledge that autism is who you are, and that's okay. In fact, I wouldn't be myself without my autism.
Moon Ω 🏳️⚧️
>Is this normal after discovering I'm autistic? Why do I feel a new wave of confusion and shame?
Hi, this is very much a normal and common thing that tends to occur with other autistic people who have began to and/or already have unmasked (including myself!).
While this does tend to feel relatively concerning in a way, what you'll need to realize is this: the people who leave you once you unmask and begin to show your true self (as many other people will say and have already said in the comments), these people were never truly your friends in the first place, since these quote unquote "friends" never truly cared for you in the first place. They only cared for your "societal personality" as I like to call it (basically the personality that comes into play when you mask).
It is especially freeing (as you mentioned earlier) when you take that mask off; you can finally be your true self and finally partake in the personality that you've been mostly hiding from everyone else. I myself am slowly in the process of doing this (albeit with some noticeable "side effects" if you will), but things like this take time, and the thing that matters is that you are comfortable acting in the way that you like.
Thank you for your words of reassurance <3
by ☭ NerdyGothGeek420 (They/Them); ; Report
My pleasure! Glad to see other autistic people ask about what you've described in your blog post, as it is something truly fundamental as they live their life while being autistic. :3
by Moon Ω 🏳️⚧️; ; Report
Phrog_!
if you show your true self and people leave, these people were never your friend in the first place. they never liked you, they liked someone else.
Yep. Figuring that out :/
by ☭ NerdyGothGeek420 (They/Them); ; Report
♡ Finnie!
To be honest, when i discovered i was autistic i was really relieved, and yeah i did see that suddenly i stopped masking, or like, a lot less? It was like, finally i figured out what is wrong with me. But i still feel like the same person, just not constantly scared anymore, afraid i'll well, same as you, loose people because of this. But i've learned, it's natural, even neurotypical people experience that. Though, i can tell, there is a lot of ableism, especially in older generations, but yeah, also now.
I think, here, where i live (the netherlands) people are generally accepting, but they don't really care. If you're in secondary school, i definitely can understand that people are more hostile, personally i never had friends there. I think, you just have to find the right people as annoying or stupid that advice might be.
While personally i didn't have many friends, i had like 1 best friend at the time and she was also autistic, diagnosed like a year before me. In that espect, i didn't see much change.
But i definitely can relate to the part where you become more stressed, less motivated etc. etc. Possibly because it might just be harder to navigate the world without masking? Personally, ever since i've stopped masking life has become harder, and i too am more depressed, i sometimes don't leave my home for days.
And the stupid thing is, it's hard to get that mask back on (And unhealthy of course)
Recently i've discovered most of my friends are neurodivergent, but even some of them do not understand why i am the way i am, neither do i.
All that to say, i understand you, you're not alone in this. I'm sure SO SO SO many people can relate to this EXACT situation.
Sorry if i've rambled a little too much!! I just, i hope you can find some solace in the fact that yes, people understand and relate, you're not alone in this, as i've said before.
I hope you have a great day and stay strong!! <3
Thank you for the kind words <3 you made me smile ^_^
by ☭ NerdyGothGeek420 (They/Them); ; Report
bojo
its amazing when u unmask expecting to be judged for your behaviour, and instead u meet a bunch of people that truly love you for how weird u are and uve never felt more accepted even tho uve masked for years.
noricock
i think its pretty normal but i remember feel the same way when i discovered that im a tdah person but???? idk just dont stress 2 muchhh
Danitza ☽
Yes, it's very normal to feel a wave of confusing and negative emotions after discovering you're autistic. The first emotion I remember feeling is anger. I was angry that I had to go through life wondering why I was different and why people hated me for it, including my family.
Sometimes I feel ashamed of it and only a handful of people know I'm autistic. The extreme ableism and abuse I experienced caused me to internalize it and, as a result, I became very good at masking. As a child, if I didn't mask, it meant being punished, either verbally or physically, so now I don't feel safe unmasking and only do it at home. It's exhausting.
When I tried to unmask in front of my family, it was like I was 10 years old again; confused and sad that who I am causes so much resentment. I think a lot of it is defensiveness because if they accept that I'm autistic, they would have to come to terms that they abused a disabled child and it's a truth they don't want to face.