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Just how severely was I masking?
When I finally realized I was autistic in 2022, the mask came off.
Since then, i've lost a lot of people - some that I literally would never have expected... for whatever reason we just did not mesh anymore. In many ways, it's freeing and has made sense of many past memories but in others, there's new challenges.
Some say I am a completely different person and others say I seem more relaxed (I'm fuckin depressed and stressed asf still?)
I still get told I look like I'm upset all the time but thats just how my relaxed face has always been.
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♡ Finnie!
To be honest, when i discovered i was autistic i was really relieved, and yeah i did see that suddenly i stopped masking, or like, a lot less? It was like, finally i figured out what is wrong with me. But i still feel like the same person, just not constantly scared anymore, afraid i'll well, same as you, loose people because of this. But i've learned, it's natural, even neurotypical people experience that. Though, i can tell, there is a lot of ableism, especially in older generations, but yeah, also now.
I think, here, where i live (the netherlands) people are generally accepting, but they don't really care. If you're in secondary school, i definitely can understand that people are more hostile, personally i never had friends there. I think, you just have to find the right people as annoying or stupid that advice might be.
While personally i didn't have many friends, i had like 1 best friend at the time and she was also autistic, diagnosed like a year before me. In that espect, i didn't see much change.
But i definitely can relate to the part where you become more stressed, less motivated etc. etc. Possibly because it might just be harder to navigate the world without masking? Personally, ever since i've stopped masking life has become harder, and i too am more depressed, i sometimes don't leave my home for days.
And the stupid thing is, it's hard to get that mask back on (And unhealthy of course)
Recently i've discovered most of my friends are neurodivergent, but even some of them do not understand why i am the way i am, neither do i.
All that to say, i understand you, you're not alone in this. I'm sure SO SO SO many people can relate to this EXACT situation.
Sorry if i've rambled a little too much!! I just, i hope you can find some solace in the fact that yes, people understand and relate, you're not alone in this, as i've said before.
I hope you have a great day and stay strong!! <3
Thank you for the kind words <3 you made me smile ^_^
by ☭ NerdyGothGeek420 (They/Them); ; Report
bojo
its amazing when u unmask expecting to be judged for your behaviour, and instead u meet a bunch of people that truly love you for how weird u are and uve never felt more accepted even tho uve masked for years.
noricock
i think its pretty normal but i remember feel the same way when i discovered that im a tdah person but???? idk just dont stress 2 muchhh
Yes, it's very normal to feel a wave of confusing and negative emotions after discovering you're autistic. The first emotion I remember feeling is anger. I was angry that I had to go through life wondering why I was different and why people hated me for it, including my family.
Sometimes I feel ashamed of it and only a handful of people know I'm autistic. The extreme ableism and abuse I experienced caused me to internalize it and, as a result, I became very good at masking. As a child, if I didn't mask, it meant being punished, either verbally or physically, so now I don't feel safe unmasking and only do it at home. It's exhausting.
When I tried to unmask in front of my family, it was like I was 10 years old again; confused and sad that who I am causes so much resentment. I think a lot of it is defensiveness because if they accept that I'm autistic, they would have to come to terms that they abused a disabled child and it's a truth they don't want to face.