losing my mind

ever since my TBI, I feel different. My thoughts aren't the same, the way I feel isn't the same, the way I process information isn't the same. My memory is shot, my emotions are stunted, I always have this overwhelming since of dread and I can't pull myself up. I still feel horrible too physically. My headaches come and go and nothing can take the pain away when they show their ugly face. The sensation I get with my breathing is horrible, it's like I have to take deep gasps and I can't control it. It happens at the most random times too. The fatigue, the vision issues, and the loss of stamina is crushing. I just feel like an empty shell of who I once was. Like literally everything is different!! Food and drinks even taste different and I get weird aftertastes now. I hate this so much. I feel so disconnected from everyone, especially my own self. 

I have to wait for a neuropsychiatrist to accept me as a new patient to get on some antidepressants or mood stabalizers that won't effect my cranial pressure. Who knows how long that will be in my tiny ass town. I also have to get on Metformin bc my PCOS is acting up again since I've gained all this weight after the TBI. 

I just feel so lost. I know I sound like a broken record. It's very hard to articulate this. I have never experienced or felt some of the things I have until now and I can barely even comprehend it all, especially the physical sensations. Mentally, i'm just checked out. I think I may be on autopilot or in a deep state of derealization bc of my CPTSD. It's gotten much worse from the medical trauma.

I hope that damn doctor pays for what he's done to me. A LUMBAR PUNCTURE BC OF LOW BLOOD PRESSURE?! It created a damn CSF leak, my brain sagged, had to get two blood patches and after my second blood patch, I felt horrible and it was like my whole etiology changed. I had to relearn to walk, drive, use the bathroom, shower, make food, work and eat again. I have to go pick up the rest of my records from the hospital that had to fix that doctors fuck ups and then I'll drop everything off at the attorneys that want to investigate if there is enough cause or proof to sue.

I hope there is. Even though money can't fix any of this, I'm hoping that I can win something just so it's on his permanent record and my kids can have some money put back for when they turn 18. 

My current step is to get adoption papers drawn up for Nelson to adopt me kids so he can officially be there father by law. We had to have that discussion because if something happens to me, I have to have someone take care of them. I only have him and they love him so much. I trust him to do right by them bc he has so far since I've been ill. He's taken such good care of them and helped me so much. I know they'll be okay.

I just want to heal. No more breathing problems, no more tachycardia any time i eat a carb, no more headaches, no more crippling fatigue, no more cognitive delay or confusion, better memory, no more hormones causing me to gain weight and have type 2 diabetes, no more bouts of graying out, no more wheelchair use, etc. 

I don't want to suffer anymore. Mostly for my kids. I know they miss their mom. The mom that wasn't disabled. I'm having such a hard time accepting this. I've had chronic illnesses since I was a teenager and I found a way to function for years, but then that doctor fucked me up and idk how to overcome this TBI. I don't think it will get better. I think this is it. 

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I just needed to get it all out. I think this is the first time I've been with it enough to actually pour it all out. Sorry in advance to anyone that has to read this. I'm just venting. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm defeated, I'm hurting, I'm suffering and I'm losing hope. 

I'm staying strong and putting on a happy face for my kids. That's important to me. I don't want them to experience anymore trauma then they have to. I'm sure them seeing my bed ridden and so sick has upset them and I can never forgive myself for that. I know i Couldn't help it, but ughhhh. WHY?!! My kids didn't deserve to see me like that.

Anyway, I'm going to go lay down and try to forget about today.