gettin vulnerable in here

talking with my mom is such an experience everytime. i moved 2000 miles away from her a little over 5 years ago, a decision i made at 17 in which she was NOT happy about. a bit of context, my mom is bipolar and raised me through a few abusive relationships where she was the victim, and also the perpetrator. she was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, she has put me through extremely traumatic events, but she is my mom and i love her SO much and we're close now 

the closeness i mean will never compare to what i wish it was, though, and saying that gives me insane amounts of guilt. as much as my mom has put me through, she always did what she could. she was struggling so much, dealing with her unmedicated mental illness, an abusive relationship, and also extreme guilt because she knew this wasnt a good childhood for us. that shit, guilt? itll eat you alive, i dont blame her. i empathize with her, i forgive her, i love her. i hold her accountable and dont excuse it, i forgive it. 

we may be close now and rarely have issues, but that doesnt mean it is perfect. ofc im grateful for her, she helps out so much in the rough financial situation im in, she shows she loves me, etc. we talk a lot. 

when we talk, though, i notice my anxiety go up and i start taking forever to formulate a strategic response to her, making sure she doesnt take something the wrong way over text and making sure i dont seem like i have an attitude or im being selfish or anything like that. it feels fine talking to her until i notice that, and it just makes me remember that at alot of times in my life, she was not my mom, i was hers. it feels isolating. 

anyway, im happy i have my mom despite the sad feelings that might come with it sometimes. shes a woman, shes beautiful, shes so kind, shes emotional, shes intense, shes batshit insane, shes caring, shes comforting, and she would hold me whenever i asked and whenever i didnt. she noticed i started walking with confidence, head up, before i did. and that moment sits with me and makes me feel guilty for saying she was abusive, but i have to remember - she was. and thats not saying shes a bad person, its just recognizing her actions were abusive and thats that. 

well, im crying now, so im happy this blog is here for me to write and see if its maybe a good coping mechanism for me. writing typically doesnt help me because it wouldnt be OUT THERE, i dont need someone to read it or respond or anything, i just need it to not only be in my possession, i need it to not be only on me. so, thanks spacehey freaks! bye!