11/19/2024: 11:46 PM

i got a score of 24/27 on the ap gov practice mcq but i know it probably won't matter for the actual test tomorrow if i fucking fail the frq. i'm not sure what to do. everything feels so overwhelming all of the time and it makes me feel sick. this week and the week after will be one of the most important periods in my life, and i'm not sure how to grapple with that. i tend to fail when there's even an inch of responsibility given to me. i laid in bed earlier for, like, 2 or 3 hours, just sitting and watching reels while feeling bad about myself. the only thing that got me up was thinking of dad. i think of him alone, on the truck for hours at a time. i know the thought of me keeps him going. i want to try to be successful for his sake, too.

the issue is that i can't really stop worrying about...everything? ever?? mostly about the future, though. everyone around me has been talking about it 24/7 in the college application haze that's doomed this entire school. instead of focusing on the 10 million things i need to get done, i just become paralyzed by everything that's bound to happen. what am i even freaking out for? there's no point in thinking about things you can't control, but i can't exactly shut off my brain.

there's also the issue of graduation. all of my friends are a lunch period away right now. after school ends, will there really be anything tying us together? and even for the people who want to stay, there's no solution to sheer distance. my best friend is planning on going out of state and i'm not sure how to cope with that yet. i want her to stay with me forever, in this little bubble we created where nothing exists except for our stupid silly conversations. after high school, will i still be able to talk to her like normal? will our inside jokes be there, or will they have rotted away in the detritus of our friendship?

man. is there ever a moment in my life when i'm not consumed by thoughts of my friends leaving me?? at least i'm sure that everyone likes me this time. i guess that makes all of this worse, in a way. the year where i start being genuinely happy is the same year everything changes. FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! forever and ever and ever!!!!!!! what the freak.

there i go again. worrying about things out of my control again. i guess i always looked towards the future. i can't help but mourn it even when it hasn't happened yet. the weight lingers on everything i do, wrapping around my hands in a way i can't wash off. the future. the fuuuuuuuuuture. everything for my god forsaken future. what will i do? what am i going to be? how will i feel when i get to the age i've always wondered about? dear future me, when you're in your first year of college, tell me it can't be that bad. or, if it is, tell me that you can make it through. i've heard horror stories and i don't have much faith in myself at the moment. tell me we're going to be okay.