random thoughts and happenings dump

listening to plaza one while playing riichi mahjong while using a cinnamoroll skin is truly a mood

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talking about riichi mahjong, at the beginning of the month i finally gathered the courage to go to a meetup where they play it in a library, i didn't dare before because i thought they'd all be elitists with super high ranks who knew how to count points irl and everything, and turns out that couldn't be further from the truth. i immediately felt really at place, hanging out with people who fully understood and loved such a niche interest of mine, being openly a fucking nerd, joking about the shitty hands we made and other stuff, it felt so nice. one guy i didn't get to play with asked me what rank i was, told him expert 3*, and he looked to who was kinda the leader/main organizer?? and went "whoa, hah, way higher than yours!" so that's neat. unfortunately since they all come from different places and it's hard to organize, they only do it once a month, so i'll have to wait till december for the next one. oh, and only like two people know how to count points irl, no one else, not even those who've been playing for as long as i have (3 1/2 years) know, they have a little cheat sheet they use as reference, and when stumped they just go for online calculators lol, so yeah! i really did have nothing to worry about!

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still on the topic of meetups, a site i've been visiting since i was a kid also held one (not gonna say which so i don't get doxed, equis de) and it was fiiine but kinda?? they had a discord sv to organize and the morning of the event someone said "if anyone has low blood pressure, or has any needs, or is autistic or has adhd and wants to tell us, please do, we'll accommodate as best as we can" and at first i thought oh! how neat! but then someone did the usual "haha we're all a bit autistic" with others chiming in, and suddenly everyone was autistic. when i showed up the same happened, loads and loads of very clearly NT people claiming to be autistic?? while socializing, talking to strangers with ease, being loud and cracking jokes and?? come on. meanwhile my actual autistic ass was standing there completely confused and lost and not knowing who to talk to or what to do or what to say, it was incredibly uncomfortable. it wasn't until a girl approached me and asked me if i wanted to make friendship bracelets with her that i sort of socialized a little bit, i spent like 2 hours doing that with some other girls..... who also joked about being "sooo autistic" while clearly not being one but ehh..
yes, i am very much against self diagnosis and the quirkification of autism, how could you tell?

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hey m, you dork, if you're reading this, i had a dream with you, two actually, but i forgot one. the one i do remember was you taking me to a really shady uhh... donut?? smoothie? ice cream shop? idk what it was, it was almost empty, there was a woman before us and she started making a racket for some reason, and the dude making the food got distracted and idk they started fighting and then went to a room in the back, while us and like 2 other dudes were waiting. you got tired so you jumped over the counter and told me to do the same, but instead i went all around it, and started serving yourself some dulce de leche ice cream, but gave the cone to me, it was very delicious but soon enough we heard the woman and the man coming back, yelling, so we quickly jumped back but i dropped my cone, splattering the cream all over the floor, and then when the man saw it we blamed the woman (who very much couldn't have done that mess since she wasn't even there) and he actually believed us??? lmao

and now i do remember the other dream, but only that at some point you tried holding my hand and i was like ?????? also you were kinda blonde for some reason

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the delf b1 is like less than three weeks away.................. my oral and written comprehension is fantastic, but my production fucking sucks, i don't know what i'm gonna do, i'm not sure how to practice. i did get in touch with a woman who prepares you for those exams but the idea of her seeing how badly i write and speak genuinely gives me a lot of anxiety so i haven't even replied to her messages about setting some days, ugh......................... i don't wanna do it.... i don't wanna study with her and i don't wanna go and sandjkasndka i knew i wasn't ready when i saw the results for the a2 (25/25 on both comprehension, but 21/25 on written production and 12/25 on oral production aaaaah) but my mom insisted i sign up anyway and now i hate eveything

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i also have 3 finals coming up but i... forgot to sign up for one which is this friday, and you have to do it two days in advance so... fuck.

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i just wanna sleep, play mahjong, and focus on my water fasting and losing weight, i don't wanna do anything else... i'm too tired to even talk to people, even though i want to, it's like i want to become a lil hermit and forget the world outside exists until i'm ready to come out as a shining butterfly. my maladaptive daydreaming has been getting more intense actually, and i love it, i love seeing them so often and strongly, just as before, i really missed that

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i know 15kg is a lot, and seeing my before pics it's insane how much i've changed already, but i feel 15kg in an entire year is so little, i feel i could've done so much more, i'm actually pretty disappointed. oh well, just gotta continue, i'll get there eventually