19/11/24

Something has bothered me these past few days. I'm the one who cannot hide what I feel so I'm always sharing my art with others. Today is rather different. Something that is only between me and myself.

This violating, pulsing thing inside my ribcage. A second heart. It bleeds and bleeds. Perhaps it's a wound, the absence of something, the gap between a truth and a lie. Or maybe it's the blood that has nowhere to go but my heart keeps beating and beating and so I paint my body in red. It urges to espace even if it'd also run down my hands when I try to grab it.

Dysphoria.

I so often think mine is not enough and I'm quite priveledged to complain about my gender and I'm making my life worse willingly. What woke this feeling inside of me was seeing queer people exist. I can't quite elaborate; it's just beautiful; your existence is beautiful. I love to hear people talk about how messy and uncertain self-discovery is and maybe they haven't come out yet or maybe they haven't decided on a name or maybe they're the thing I shame myself for being. And that is so unfair. I think queerness and gender identity are such precious delicate yet abundant things. I compare it to a river to how it just flows and never ends and it spreads and it includes and oh so many pesperctives even if it's just something silly oh I admire you so much. Your existence is beautiful. You're a phenomena. I'm a blood's heart and I never ever stop bleeding.

I cry easily when it crosses my mind. I'm so embarassed and it's so intimate but I want to be so much more. I want to be the blood on my veins I want to rip myself apart so I could flow. I want to be loud I never want to stop bleeding. 

I want my identity to be the things I've done, the art, my values, my friends and not something separate called "gender". All of my mind is reduced to a term and so people are biased to interact with me and so everything I achieve is going to be "a girly thing" "as a woman" "of course she does X, she's a girl". I want to be so much more. I am so much more than your perception of me. My heart skips a bit everytime I hear my name. I want to be an incromprehensive untouchable thing, a creature, a biblically accurate angel. Labeling me shouldn't be that easy. You should solve puzzles and history's greatests mysteries before ever daring to defy me. I don't want to be a girl. I don't want to be a boy. I want to use what I use simply because I like it and not because it makes me feminine or masculine. Whenever I realize my hair is too big I cannot leave my house because I feel like a girl and I hate that. I want to wear a tie because I think it's stylish and not be thought of "omg she's being so bold and breaking fashion and omg yessss so revolutionary" dude just let me live. People have told me I'm some sort of fashion queer icon and I HATE IT! I don't want my existence to be political I want it to be normal! God damn it! I exist and that's it! I don't want to suffer misogyny! Why would I ever want that? I know younger girls have looked up to me but BREAKING NEWS: I'M A PERSON I'm not here to entertrain you. I shouldn't be treated like a wild creature. 
That's my rant for the week. It's been bothering me a lot. Bye