eternal struggle between desire for change and comfort with normality

i always wish for someone to confide in.

in being a teenage girl, i long for connection but reject everyone. many people scare me. all people scare me. i enjoy my boyfriends company. that is the extent of my socialization. a man on the internet whom i love. 

the people in my real life mortify me.

of course i dont do much to keep up appearances.

i shower irregularly. ...very irregularly.

i dont partake in much hygenically and i rarely pay attention to social cues or what makes a person... personable(?).

i wont act like i dont have charisma. when putting in the effort, i can be a quite likeable person. unfortunately, any amount of effort is asking far too much from me.

maybe one day i'll be brave enough for friends. for socializing past the arbitrary boundaires i set in place for myself.

though i believe that day is eons away.