lalallallala angst emo angst teenager lalala: how do i stop being a pushover??

love

sorry for this admittedly dastardly and negative blog post!! i would otherwise intend for my first blog post to be positive and full of love but i am writing this after discovering a great revelation and basking in strong emotion!!!!!!!! peace and love always!!

          although i hate to admit it the internet has always offered me a place of solace - i suppose because everyone is reduced to a small avatar or tiny person on my screen, it's not like i have to stand face to face to talk with someone maybe a foot taller than me - on the internet neither i nor anybody else is physical. i can speak without the overarching fear of being spat on, or grabbed or touched or sneered at. i have almost never been able to speak my mind in real life when i am without my friends or family (or even when i am with them). i am shy and withdrawn and i glare at almost everyone in public, even if i am do not mean to. i think something about me drives people away, like a bright light which people do not want to look at. perhaps it's because i was raised differently and homeschooled until seventh grade, but around people my age i barely say a word. i speak in whispers and only to adults. everyone in real life is so normal, and in being normal they are so incredibly different from me - on the internet i can seek out people like me and communicate with them better. i can even communicate with the aforementioned people different from me - behind the screen they could be my classmate, or my arch enemy or someone who throws food at me.

end of the exposition; on being a pushover:

          in school i do not move when people throw crumbs at me and i do not say anything when the kid who i know thinks i am "stupid" takes my things and i do not respond when i am mocked for being quiet by the same boy who sits in front of me. this is different from standing my ground - if i stood my ground i would confront these people and do something but instead i sit idly. i let things pass by even if i am not okay with them: i feel like a doormat (like fluttershy in that one mlp episode dawaawwuhhhhhaha). i cant even respond to my own friends remarks when they lose their temper after a joke or something because i begin to tear up when anyone raises their voice at me. i dont comment on things that bother me about a person (not as in rude remarks - as in their hanging out with someone who's said horrible things to my other friends), when other people would without a doubt. i am so so scared of pushing someone away or breaking apart something that we once had - to do something i must be sure of it. i must judge previous attempts by other people and predict what would happen if i were to do the same. when i think of confronting people about their mingling with unsatisfactory (sorry if i sound like a strict overbearing possessive mother right there) people my stomach churns and its like my head is being dragged over carpet and my legs have been standing in a pool of freezing water for too long. if only i could "gag" on the contemplation and spit it out already, maybe

          but i feel like if i were to start rounding on people for things done months ago, when i had taken no action, it would be assumed that there was something wrong with me, some inner turmoil, or maybe that i began to dislike them, that i would want to cut them off completely - that is what i am afraid of should i ever tell someone to stop or to not call me that or to think about what that guy has done to your other friends. i get so anxious i dont engage in arguments when i should be to protect my friends - and egads, i have had an epiphany!! hark!! if my friend is being insulted i will simply defend them even if it makes a fool of me because truly friendship is magic!! perhaps one will forget my faux pas and instead remember my loyalty.

          on the topic of friendship and loyalty: is people pleasing so similar to being a pushover? i feel that when my friends tell me something they like, or show their love for something, i immediately rush to indulge in it as well. if it means something to talk about, or something that we can bond over, it is something i should do. perhaps it's fomo and i want to be included - but is it really such a poor habit? it is simple in my head, like a child's way of thinking: if i do the thing they like then they will like me more in return. 

          is there such a thing as being too loyal? i don't think what i do - following my friends around like a lost dog - really exemplifies loyalty, but what else is there to do? i am so used to following everyone else's leads that i turn into a jerky, panicky rabbit when i am faced with the decision of walking alone.

love