so emo!!! idk

lalala hi!! idk what I'm really doing, as of now its 1:08 am on a Tuesday.. I have school in the morning(which I guess it is the morning rn?) the song I'm listening to is malice mizers le ciel. I love that song.

anyways,

I'm going to start this off by declaring that I have a hard time imagining 'people' as real humans.  like beings,, to me they all disappear whenever I close my eyes and shut them off from the rest of my senses, and the only time they exist again is when I force myself back into reality and greet them.

humans are so odd, they're so disgusting. I detest them. taking this in, for a long time I have considered 'humanity' to be what I am, the other 'humans' that surround me are that of mindless robots or aliens. but as of recently, I've come to a sort of epiphany:

all the aliens around me seem to understand something that I just don't. they all have a script or rules that they can base their every action on. and they just have it with them all the time, in their mind. I set rules for myself sometimes, I even have a few reminders on my phone. on my lockscreen I have this code word of sorts that reminds me to shut up. I always end up annoying those around me, even if they don't outright say it. but when they do, I'm slightly thankful. I have a friend I think, shes very blunt and doesn't really understand social cues most of the time. obviously that isn't what upsets me, what upsets me is just how rude she is sometimes. I mean, shes once just blown up on the sweetest person I know. hell, that person might be someone I can actually believe to be real. but even then its hard, that person allows the jerks around us, never standing up or whatever. I get if its social anxiety obviously, but they're literally dating the second biggest phony of the century. like? its so disappointing. but anyways, the girl I was talking about before, I was once clowning about with a friend(?), we get into fake little scuffles all the time. its just a bit, every time. I'm never truly mad or that passionate about a silly argument, the same goes for that friend(?). but the girl always gets annoyed at me. never the other friend(?), so its something wrong with me alone. a few weeks ago I think, I guess I was being really loud. she told me to shut up or something, that I was giving her a headache. another time, I think this was the same day but a bit later(this all happened in the cafeteria before lunch), another friend(?) made a joke about me being annoying. I don't remember it completely. but that friend, lets just call him Adam(I'm still anxious about anyone I know finding this), he never makes those jokes about me. I swear he always treats me like some child. whenever I'm clowning he talks to me like those stupid southern cult lady's or a preschool teacher. God it pisses me off so much, but its not like I can say anything. and anyways, when I'm saying something like surface level smart(literally just answering a question correctly in the class we share together) he says shit like "good job buddy!" or "youre so smart" its so condescending because he doesn't say it to anyone else and it shouldn't even have to be said. its just basic shit and he acts like me doing it is some achievement. he's so touchy too, everyone is. he prods at me and drags me a bit by the collar of my shirt or hood, he puts his hands all over my hair and flattens it out so I just look even more stupid than normal. I always push him away lightly or slip out of his arms but he just does it every day. its not like I'm touchy with anyone, so why do like most of my friends just decide to put their hands all over me. I hate it so much. Adam treats me like a stupid helpless dog, he even grabs everything for me in our classes. like just sheets of paper for an assignment or even my textbooks. he says he just likes to get things for me but its just his tone too, I'm not some child that needs everything done for him.

I've mentioned clowning a few times, which is 100% a reference to no longer human. the definition he gives is just too fitting for me not to use. 

but my epiphany: if everyone around me is able to understand the stage directions except for me, then perhaps its not them that isn't human. perhaps its me that is the alien android, like some sort of humanoid creature dropped onto earth to observe and watch all that is wrong. that the humans around me are simply following their nature of violence and gluttony. I alone am a bystander to their crimes and lusts, that I just have to watch and learn, that the thing I call my morality is the key factor of alienation.

or I'm just a selfish angsty teenager. its not like I have any reason to be this way. but idk.

I love ranpo, I am him.