life lately

November 18th, 2024. my least favourite month

i feel as though life has taken on a hellish quality lately when just a month ago the sunshine and clouds of heaven appeared when i closed my eyes. i have so much that i'm able to ignore and yet when i step back and realize it i almost suffocate with the weight and pressure of anxiety, stress, and most of all fear. fear of change, of the worst, of people, fear for my cats, my safety, everything. sometimes leaving my room feels like being a prey animal loose in a hunting ground 

i have done all i can to try and alleviate The Horrors. i keep my windows open a lot to let in sunlight, i try to take care of myself even when it's hard (brushing my teeth, washing my clothes, my sheets, feeding myself nutrients), getting lots of sleep, staying on top of my schoolwork (life is an endless cycle of schoolwork ohhh dear), going outside even when i don't feel like it, resting when i am injured,

it does not feel like enough. i cannot relax until my problems are solved. what i do is i'll hide away, and ignore everything, until it goes away. i won't address it mentally or even speak about it bc im afraid something will happen. iehave come a long way, to be able to type this whole paragraph. years ago and maybe even as recently as last year i would not have been able to talk about any of this without feeling ;!f3 50w3+y!nq m45 k0uu4 ....

typing in code makes this easier.

the other thing ill do is face it head on and fix it right away. ay the moment i seem to be leaning heavily into the first option which is arguably the most unhealthy. I force myself to live uncomfortably, fearfully, because it feels safer, even though it probably isn't. i want everything to just fix itself for me and without me having to intervene, or do anything. i am afraid of change and afraid of doing anything different.

i also have the worst anxiety over +3<y 5+nkk. too afraid to go into further detail sadly

im worried for my body, my spine has been feeling strange. i know i was told I have scoliosis but it was so minor it wasn't worth worrying about, plus i think it's there from me sleeping on one side for so long. but it feels weird, sometimes it hurts or feels cold. It's like my spine has come out of alignment or something and won't go back to where it belongs. i am scared of being paralyzed. i also have decided not to dance until it heals which sucks because i love dancing and without it idk what id do. and if i do become paralyzed (super unlikely but i still fear) i would never be able to dance again EVER.

i fear for my cats, one of them could be very sick, and I don't know how to help her. she probably needs to be checked out but i just WISH this wasn't happening to her. i love her. she's so precious to me and lovely and sweet, i want her to be healthy. i hope whatever's wrong with her is an easy fix. something in her stomach seems to be inflamed.

the girl i really really like and am probably in love with said about a week ago we can never be together. we still talk and i am overly grateful for that. but i think we still feel for each other. i'm not sure where to go from here or how to express myself. i told her she could lead the way in what we do. but it still hurts. i miss her but she's right here

reminds me of how i wanna go home too, but i am home. i am sitting in my bedroom. the walls are pink, my cat is here, the candles burn, my Christmas tree lights the room up, but i feel unsafe and unhappy. i haven't really felt peaceful since i was 13, but i think it's all connected to what i consider my canon event

it's overly frustrating to be pulled back to the "beginning" or "worst" of it. i thought we were over this. the story's main conflict should be over. why are we going through this again? haven't i learned enough? what am i going to do? is this the real climax? 

especially since this summer was such a high. i really felt safe, and i had so much fun. so much fun. i should have known all the good things don't last. i have ran through a couple of friendships and relationships this year and it always follows the same pattern; 

meet somebody, become attached; then, a few months of happiness. something happens and we get pulled apart or forced apart and it all ends and i don't know what to do with myself. to me, having relationships and friendships is the most important thing ever in existence. you should take care of those. so i throw all my love and care and attention towards it and bleed out when we become severed. but i think that's okay. they will always have a place in my heart no matter what.

my parents seem so carefree. I'm happy for them. i know that with me going to college now it's different and that's stressful, or me driving on my own, but they don't have to worry about what i do.

i sometimes wish the biggest worry in my life was something like saving the world, or failing my classes, or being in some kind of situation that's painful. i don't really want to name any of those kinds of situations. they're awful and shouldn't be wished upon anybody and i feel sorrow and compassion for people in a hard situation. but i almost wish i had anything else to worry about except this;

your family is almost like your "home base." or at least that's how i see it for me. and when things between them shift negatively, it has a domino effect. the sad thing is, my parents think everything is okay. it isn't. i'm not totally okay. and i thought i was over this. i'm 20 so why am i so scared ????? why can't i stand up for myself???? nothing will be the same again.

i am so tired of denying myself comforts, of living like a frightened kitten, locking myself in my room to feel safe. my friends irl are so open with their parents, their friends, able to ask for help and vent and feel okay and safe and fully flourish and enjoy life. even my sister!!!!!! so why me???? why does this all happen to me????

i just want to get through this. i want everything to be better. my lack of action is only making this all worse. i want to just push through and fix everything and be happy and enjoy life. i can't give up and i never have. i have been so strong, steadfast, and determined, and i cannot just let this go on. i will make it through to a happy ending i just have to get there. someday it'll all clear up and it'll all be over. someday.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Listening To: Toby Fox - Flying Through A Starry Sky

Mood: Afraid
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------