I'd like another form of escapism please

 I don't mean to excessively post, so for it I apologize... I don't really have anywhere else to go besides here, I think, so I take advantage of that . . . 

 I don't think I'll ever finish making my own site.. even when i'm not lazy and try to do something, i'm simply not skilled enough . . . i'm not skilled enough for much, even just basic interactions and i offten forget that.

i partly miss being a shut-in all those years ago, i think it was a lot simpler despite the hardships. now that i'm older, it's harder to avoid things. responsibility, my own emotions, others . . . it's just harder now, probably because i'm a bit more self aware. it's burdensome, and i find bliss in stupidity or ignorance. i don't want to **have** to do anything, i don't like being expected to be more than an animal.

i'm very stupid, obviously. i'm not good at anything, i'm slow to pick up on anything even when the answers are right there in front of me, and i like to avoid. what's a better word for this? see, i'm not even sure. even the things that i thought i liked, i really don't. i don't enjoy anything, and nothing enjoys me either. . . i'm avoiding something right now, as i type and as you read, my nonexistent auidence. both in the literal sense and outside of it, i'm avoiding something right now. i think it would be better if i died, i've been thinking that way again a lot this month and last. i forgot how stupid i am, so i forgot that it's my one true option. a lot of the things that i want, what others say is something to strive for, are impssible for me. i'll never have any of it, it's silly of me to even hope. i feel a lot of shame when i daydream, and i feel a lot of shame when i try. i think everyone knows something about me that i don't or can't see, even when i try to be self aware and observe i think it's fairly obvious to them, and i'm excluded even from myself. my own brain rejects me a majority of the time, and now i'm starting to cry over it. it's really really silly. . .

i think there's still something that i'm holding on to

i wish there were a way to get rid of it, but that's impossible too. i'm an impossible person, it's one of the reasons i should die. i don't think there's any point in holding out for me, i think it would be better if i died. what am i meant to do with all of this? even though i want to, i really do, i won't. i never go through with it.

i think my last attempt was in may or june of this year, or last year was it? i can't remember anymore, my days are stuck together like glue. whenever it was, i was so close and injured myself so badly that i gave up out of fear and wandered around in a daze for weeks afterwards dreaming of death. i hung myself from the ceiling at work, i hung myself during my first semester classes, i imagined myself at tops of buildings plummeting off happily. i daydream about suicide now too, in stressful situations and before bed at night to help me fall asleep. sometimes, i really do want it to go away, but i think that's just me imagining an impossible potential again. i forgot that it's best for me to give up before i even try. it's true... when i'm not sad like this, i'm almost certainly numb and wandering waiting for the day to end. there's no substance to me whatsoever, it's futile to hope for anything

whatever.. it doesn't matter,  i'm done typing now