losing myself (trigger warning prob)

i was getting better and now im genuinely going insane bro,- im starting to hear shit that isnt there and i never feel safe and i feel like theres someone always watching me,- im way too fucking jumpy and paranoid lol yet my parents wont take the physiatrists advice snd give me meds.

 lowky thinking of blowing my fucking skullcap off or sawing my legs off i dont know anymore im fucking TWEAKINGGGGGGG because im constantly alone and even if i have 1 or 2 people who are willing to talk to me ^^

im gonna lose my shit soon enough and its going to be someones faulltttt --^

theres no fucking reason i shouldve felt safer at a hospital then my own fucking household, maybe its the fact they locked me in a yellow room in a sector that could only be accessed by a staff member with a keycard 

now im all alone again with the sorrow clawing into my chest. all of this shit is happening and people are still riding my dick about being withdrawn like my brother ill fucking end you 

i cant think i can take this for much longer, i really do doubt i hold that significant of a place in others hearts they way i hold them in mine, i hope they dont miss me when im gone (or do, idrc atp)

yet im still just wallowing in my self pity and not literally fighting for my life and sanity every waking moment, sure 👍 

lmk what to do if you have an idea