I'm not sure what to do with myself

I'm just kind of at a point where i'm not sure what i'm gonna do with my life, i haven't really planned ahead on what i'm gonna do at all. I'm good at art somewhat but sometimes i barely draw at all because of motivation, i can barely do anything because of motivation and it doesn't help that my life keeps inching further from being okay. I have a lot of personal things happening at the moment and i can barely think much positive but i'm trying my best. I just don't like worrying people at all because of something so small, i feel burnt out but it just doesn't seem to leave and the things going on around me aren't helping either. I want to draw, i want to do some things but it's just ends up with me being unsure on what to draw or just staying in my bed for most of the day. I feel selfish whenever i see my friends do something they enjoy and think about their futures because they're going to go on with their life by doing something they enjoy, and i'm more than happy for them, i feel so proud that they're able to go out of their way to put effort into something they love but there's a small part of me that just wishes i could be like them, i'm not really sure if that is selfish or not, more just a tiny bit of envy or something. I just wish i could put the effort into something like that but i can't, i don't even know what i'm going to do with myself in the future, i feel stuck. I'm scared of what happens and i don't want them to leave me in the future when they're all doing something they love but another part of me wishes they should and i'm not gonna make it anyways. I think that's just stupid though but my mind is just everywhere at the moment so i'm just venting out my thoughts here. I love my friends and my family (most of them) but i'm not really sure if i love myself, i tell myself i'm fine the way i am but it just crosses over me again. I want to learn to code and be better with my art but i just can't, i can't be motivated enough to do anything sometimes and i'm sorry for anyone i told i'd draw something then forgot to do it. I hate my memory and i hate how i can barely do anything, it's like i get an idea and suddenly i just can't do it anymore. I just wish my family would just stop pushing the fact i'm smart and that i'll graduate, i'm not smart at all or even close to it. I don't even know how i got this far without being held back once, i hate my mind for how useless it is to the point i have to keep my friend's birthdays in a note on my phone just incase i forget any. Somehow i can still help my friends when they come to me for it, because i want to be there for them, i want them to make sure that they have atleast someone who'll love and listen to them. I don't want to give up on life, not yet atleast because i wanna outlive somethings and enjoy what i have but it's getting to the point i'm not sure if i can enjoy anything anymore without faking it. I feel actually happy whenever i speak to my friends but it's kind of hard to stay like that when i don't live close to ANY of them, i barely see any of them and i barely have anyone here besides like three people and even then i can barely see them because they live on the far other side of where i live. They send me videos and photos of them hanging out and it makes me happy but i just feel left out but i think i shouldn't, i don't really know anymore. I just want to be there for everyone but i can hardly be here for myself, i'll just keep drawing. Sorry if this seems selfish at all, i'm not trying to be.