can anyone match my freak atp (vent...?)

and by freak i don't mean "freaky time :tongue:" (i just said that so people could click) no no i mean like as in the other use of freak: odd. i might be the oddest motherfucker I know. To the point where I can't fully relate or connect to any of my peers.

(i added "...?" to the end since idk if this can be considered one since it's not that serious; i can live lmao it just sucks, besides maybe this is all just a bunch of stuff i've made up for myself in my head that doesn't match up to reality so i don't really like calling it an issue)

This isn't just a case of weird kid; no, i don't even think I fit in with "weird" kids. in my opinion, weird kids (as I affectionately call them) fall into many different subgenres, all under only one connecting thread: that they're uncommon and considered weird or offcolor by most. there's the gacha life weird kids, the trollface edit weird kids, the valorant weird kids, etc. I don't really fit into any true classes of weird kid; I'm more of like a mixture of all different types of weird kid, which becomes a problem when I try to interact with anyone, because i don't fit into their niches.

now, this doesn't seem like a problem on the surface but these different subgenres have vastly different personalities and attributes. a fortnite sweat who's been playing since chapter 1 and a hazbin hotel fan obsessed with ships could both be considered weird by the populous. but put them together and hell would probably break loose; they wouldn't like eachother in the slightest! that's how i feel when trying to talk to ANY weird kid or even a normal kid; i can never truly sync with them. i don't fit in. i'm never normal even by their standards.

also another point: i'm VERY open with my oddities. i can't help it; I don't like hiding who I am from the people i interact with! i wouldn't just run up to a stranger and tell them about my OCs; i'm not THAT inept, but if you're even CLOSE to being a friend from my perspective, i'll let you know everything in my mind. it's a reflex almost, my thoughts spill out of my mind like a tap left on full blast, just because that's how my mind works. my mind constantly thinks whenever i'm awake, always leaving me with something to talk about, building up whenever I can't say it. which gets even worse because then i get anxious that I'm talking too much or being annoying whenever i finally get to spill out all of my thoughts. 

what's worse is that i'm often seen as the "butt of the joke" friend by my long-standing friend groups, making me hold back my thoughts to not get fun of. even more, i don't really like sharing thoughts with my family for fear of them not liking what i have to say, so when I finally find someone I can share with, it's like a vortex of pure thought.

i'm proud of who i am; i'm the weirdest guy on the block and that's a part of my identity i wouldn't sacrifice for the world. it's helped me done amazing things; i don't think an unweird me could be a gamedev or a writer like the one I am. but, while i can make friends, that fact about me leaves me starved for close friendships and especially romantic relationships. i don't think i've ever dated anybody in real life, and while i love my friends and wouldn't trade them for the world... i still feel disconnected.

tl;dr: i'm a part of a 1-person niche. and i'm very lonely because of it.

if you somehow relate please be my friend