Gelpp

"I've always felt alone, my whole life, for as long as i can remember."

In kindergarten I never had any friends, I was always left out, my toys were taken away and my teachers made my parents call the doctors for me. In elementary school I never had any real friends, I went through many groups but I always felt alone, I always felt bad. When I was only 7 years old I already hated myself, I hated how I was, I hated my body, my voice, I felt useless. When I was 9 years old I fantasized every night before going to sleep about getting up, going to the kitchen and cutting myself with a knife. I don't know where I got that idea from. 

When I was 10 I started to become who I am now. Always disappointing my parents and family, seeking the affection of other people and exposing myself. At 11 I got a group of friends who only liked me because of my body and always commented about it, at 12 i found friends who loved me, but I was always very exaggerated and sensitive so when I told them how I felt and they laughed... I exploded. During those years I couldn't stop crying. I felt horrible. I always cried at school and at home until I couldn't cry anymore. I felt like a piece of shit.  I looked for love in adult men who, obviously, only wanted me for sexual interest, but I was happy like that, they contained me, they made me happy. From there, everything went to shit! 

Im scared of men, scared of people. I feel stuck in my 10 years, I feel like I can't grow. My sudden mood and thought changes are killing me, they screw up my life. I can't establish connections or start things because my way of thinking changes and suddenly, what I was doing, or how I wanted to be disgusts me. I feel alienated from the rest of the people, who in fact, I don't even perceive as people, I don't understand the concept of a person, but I know that's what they are called, people. I feel like they are mannequins that surround me. I feel watched all the time, I feel judged, I feel like there is someone behind me when I am alone, I feel like there is something bigger that I cannot see. Is it god? Is it my god? 

I went to two psychologists, and I am unable to accept help. The first one wanted to give me a bipolar test, so I left him. Just when I was going to make progress with the second one, I stopped going to the psychologist.  Im tired.

Im sure my friends feel pity for me. I'm sure they think I'm stupid and childish as shit because of the way I am, i hate it, but i can't just be "normal" (i mean not acting like a f autistic)