how I got into MCR at 24

The abridged story of how I only became an emo as an adult.

I listened to MCR once in a while in high school, but I didn't really need them back then. I had a pretty agreeable life until 11th grade. I came out as trans, and was met with a lot of opposition. I realized I was a mediocre artist, and although I'd coasted through with decent grades in school until now, I started to fall behind and realized I wasn't as capable as other people. My brief fling with college was my breaking point, and between insomnia, undiagnosed ADHD, and gender dysphoria, I didn't stand a chance. I would listen to Nothing but Thieves on my walk back to my dorm after my nightshift was over, dull and suidical but appreciating the numbing cold and empty sidewalks, and Conor's soulful vocals. My love for NBT began and ended with their music at face, though, as was the case for all the music I liked. I've been a musician all my life, but my parents were my biggest inspiration, not anyone else.

After I dropped out, I struggled to hold a job, and was only able to move out of my parents' house due to the generosity of my high school friends. While living with these friends, I struggled through an Adderall addiction, the pandemic, shitty relationships, and the increasingly restless political climate. I shed my sheltered view of the world layer by layer, bitter of the way I was treated, bitter that no one would help me, bitter that our government was gleefully throwing us to the dogs.

In 2021, I fell in love long-distance, and we turned each others' lives upside down. Our relationship moved him all the way from New Jersey to Nebraska in 2023 and rended our friend groups and other relationships to shreds. We burned all our bridges, and although they were old, rotting bridges long overdue to be burned, we're now friendless and poor, struggling to take care of each other and ourselves.

So, back in 2022, I was invited along to see MCR at Riotfest with my ex-girlfriend of 8 years. I almost didn't go - it took weeks of convincing. Black Parade had been there for her while her dad was fighting cancer, and it meant a lot to her to see them. Some other bands I liked were going to be there, and I'd wanted to go to Chicago for a while, and we were still good friends, so I went, even though it was on my birthday and I'd much rather been at home. I remember thinking, "this better not be one of those times where I only start to like them after I've seen them live." Oops.

The crowd for MCR was unbelievably enormous. I'd been to concerts, but nothing this big. I saw people in full Black Parade uniforms, in Revenge costumes, people in merch they'd clearly owned for a decade, and it hit me that every person here had probably been touched just as deeply by MCR as my ex had been. I bought a pennant with the phrase "because the world will never take my heart." I didn't even know what song it was from. I just felt called to it. I had no idea what it would mean to me.

The show itself was difficult to enjoy in the crushing crowd. I was struck by the way Gerard paused after each song to ask the crowd to back up and make sure everyone was okay. I was struck by the difference in his voice when he was just speaking - he sounded gentle.

When we got home, I thought I'd check out the tumblr tag for MCR to see if anyone was talking about the concert. It turns out that people were talking about it - a shit ton of people. People who'd been fans since 2002, who listened to the albums as they came out, who watched them break up and get back together. I got a rundown of the SWARM tour, Gerard's outfits, the whole shebang.

It's hard not to go into detail about every important moment in my falling in love with MCR. Seeing the Black Parade music video for the first time; watching my first concert livestream; stealing my first album from a bookstore; watching LOTMS; learning about Frank's PANSY guitar, 'spit in their face and say fuck you', the band's mission to be a light in the darkness for broken people. Broken people like I had turned out to be.

I think a lot about how misery is fertile ground for love. The deepest joys and comforts in my life tended to come from the things I turned to for help when I was suffering. I find myself sinking back into misery, with few friends, no money, tumultuous relationships, and the world hurtling into chaos with climate disaster and human rights violations at every turn. I put on The Black Parade and drown out the world. I feel a deep kinship to everyone who did the same in 2006; I imagine listening to the album for the first time back then, getting chills as the anthems swell, gobbling up magazines boasting interviews with the turn of the century's hottest bad boys and being pleasantly surprised by their integrity. I didn't need their message back then, but I do now. And I'm very grateful that they came back for me.