i give away the lemons life gives me

im nearly 20, near jobless, and all my family does is reject my financial freedom.

oh neat extra money i got from getting one scholarship and two bursaries? THEIRS. and they can use it however they want. and i cant. im paying for bills (even theirs) withe the money thats left (that i cant get back due to me having one shift a month).

its nearly one am (so excuse the nonsensical trail of thoughts), and i came home from a potluck hosted by my wonderful creative friend in toronto tonight. i felt at home, but... everyone there was so... complete? if that makes sense. of course, completeness is subjective, everyone is a work in progress and stability very much can negate being stagnant. but i just know they were more complete than i am right now. self expression on my left, right, front and back. looking at self expression in the eye. remembering that at nearly 20 i'm not allowed that. not allowed to spend, to eat a certain way, to dress a certain way. my brain was telling me "if you move out of brampton, if you move out of your parents house, this is what you'll be. just like them, expressing themselves. being."

im so close to crashing out. they want to use nearly all of my money. every day i'm bickering about who i want to be and what i want to look like. they treat me like im 5. i cant do this.