embracing my cringe but at what cost?

november 16th, 2025

i’ve been cringey my entire life. i guess that’s the consequence of being probably autistic or something. i know i have something, no normal person goes through the things i do. but not like an ohhh i’m so quirky and silly and kooky xD typa way. the anxiety, depression, burnout, and so much more i deal with daily isn’t normal. trust me, i have “normal” friends i compare myself to and they never experience the things i do. their world is so much different than mine. i’ve tried masking from middle school up to sophomore year of high school. i kept my weird for the internet only. i was on wishbone, wattpad, weheartit, tumblr, and instagram. i role played, i made fan art, made only online friends, and all in all, expressed myself freely from behind the screen. i’m not gonna play victim and say “i was bullied because i was misunderstood!!!” like yeah i was misunderstood but i get why i was seen as a freak. i wasn’t interested in things kids my age were. i didn’t post on social media for the hopes of likes. i didn’t hang out with people outside of school because i was shy and awkward. i wasn’t interested in the latest toy or video game. I don’t think those things are necessarily weird but i guess it makes senes. i didn’t follow the norms and i didn’t help that i was chubby, socially awkward, poor, and hispanic in non poc spaces. so yeah, i hid behind the screen. i’ve seen things on the internet that i think have really harmed me but besides that, it was my safe space. its hard finding other people in real life who can essentially match your freak. but i’ve come to realize you cant find people who relate to you if you don’t even showcase the real you. i started to kind of express myself when i started high school but honestly, i haven’t started showing my authentic self until last year. 2023 i’ve developed relationships that make me feel secure enough to be myself without fear of scaring them away. even if my friends don’t relate to my weird, they don’t care about it. they accept it and even encourage it. but i’m getting worried i’m getting too weird and i’m taking advantage of the support i’ve gotten. i feel like i’m 9 again. people in real life don’t talk about cringey likes or weird things you enjoy. and i don’t mean weird like shit that’s probably like borderline illegal. i just mean talking about the latest fanfic you read, or about a band that’s low key cringe but their first album was sooooo good (cough, patd, cough). the biggest issue i have is my anxiety getting the best of me. the fear is starting to creep up on me that my friends think i’m a freak. i’m afraid i’m gonna lose the people i love because maybe they cant handle how different i am. maybe ive just conditioned myself to feel this way. i felt alone back then when i was expressing myself the most with my weird. maybe now that i’m expressing myself again, ive made myself believe people are gonna leave me again like people have before. deep down i know that’s kind of a stupid thought but i cant push it away for the life of me. i can always just communicate to my friends and ask them how they feel about me but honestly that feels clingy and annoying. i know they like me, love me even. feelings are mutual and i hope that always remains that way. honestly just writing this made me realize this entire thing was dumb. i love my friends and they love me. they wouldn’t ask me to hang out, call, or talk this much together if they didn’t. i love my friends. 

- i