the tv glows but so dimly

November 16th, 2024

apologies for the spelling and grammar errors. i couldn’t bring myself to really proofread this. 

I’ve been dreading watching the movie I Saw The TV Glow for a little while now. I know it came out this year so it wasn’t too long but still, it was something i was putting off and food good reason. At least i think so. It was already spoiled for me. I didn’t care that much, i think i was just more worried about having to acknowledge something i wish wasn’t there. I didn’t want to relate to characters that i knew id end up relating to. I clearly have some unresolved issues when it comes to my identity, my gender identity specifically. i sucked it up last night and made myself endure it. I cried nearly for the entire movie because i truly understood it. I related to a whole new level. i cope with tv and project myself onto characters and essentially live vicariously through them. i’ve created my own character to do the same with. Im not iszak but he is me. these coping skills can only work so much. i cant keep pushing down this feeling, i cant keep burying it and dimming the light. its hard though. i’m weird enough as is. maybe i’m weird because i’m uncomfortable in my skin, who knows. its a vicious cycle i’m battling within myself. it genuinely was so heart breaking seeing the characters essentially reflect how my life is. i’m definitely more privileged in the sense that i’m surrounded for the most part with people who would accept me. i’m just weak, i’m not brave enough to accept that i’m not who i was meant to be. i can’t bring it into words outright, i can only allude to it and just pray someone understands me. 

Accepting it is also harder when i continue to convince myself that maybe i’m just faking it. Maybe i just hate who I am now because society wants me to believe it. I mean the election just happened and the hatred that came through the results really showed how society hates my kind, my body. i’m nothing but a birth vessel. i’m an object. Do i hate myself because i’m not who i’m supposed to be or is it because i’ve been conditioned to hate myself? maybe its both, i wont know. i don’t know who i am. i mean i do but no way i can try being that person without being brave. i’ll stay in my bed just wondering for now. i hope one day i can build the strength and endurance i need to be myself. i doubt it though but i can dream. I can use every 11:11 and full moon to wish. i might move out next year. i’m start college. maybe then i can build the courage and be me. new year, new school, real me. i dunno, i guess i’ll have to see when 2025 comes. i’m not sure what type of advice i want but i feel like i need some. i would rlly appreciate it if anyone could comment something, anything really

- i