Closeted athiesm (-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩___-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩)

I have such a happy and harmonic family, the kinds you see on TV shows. I also live in a very religious country. And I know for a fact that if any of them knew I'm an atheist I would not just ruin my family, I would also get disowned/kicked out/physically abused. 

I wouldn't say I'm "struggling" with my faith, I stopped believing in the existence of god when I was like 11 yeats old. But I'm just... so tired of pretending.

I still come to church every week and listen to the priest even when I think she's splurting a whole lot of nothing. But this past view weeks my parents have been getting more and more religious. They would check me before I go to sleep to ask if I had prayed or not and then say stuff like "THERE IS DANGER AND YOU CAN SAFE US!" Which is terrifying to me! I don't pray and I never do but stuff like this really make me doubt myself. I know that if anything happens to my family I would put all the blame on myself, I know 6y/o me did when my aunt died. 

Not to mention my reputation. To them I am an obedient religious girl, I have been to bibical competitions, overseas competitions, and am top of my class. But lately they seem to grow suspicious. I have posters in my room that leans on the alternative/gothic aesthetic which they think have evil connotations. But the worst thing is that I am horrible at praying and they know it. I don't know what to do or what to say (because i never pray!) and they never let it slide. My parents believe that everything that we have is because of god and their sole purpose of life is to make their children religious. EVERYSINGLEDAY I feel so guilty. 

I'm getting baptized in a year and I really REALLY am not looking forward to it. I know I will never EVER tell my parents about my believes cause it will break their hearts to a million pieces. Really the only solution that I see is possible for me is to move out and take my secretly to the grave. Everyone I know is religious and I have absolutely no one to turn to to talk about this. I feel so alone..