Can you keep a secret?

  trigger warnings : 18+, sexual abuse, (internalized) suicide, self harm, childhood trauma

I don't really want to write about anything still, I can't force myself to do anything still. Despite waking up feeling fine for the first time two days ago, I can't help thinking of how incapable I am. I can never write anything good or worthwhile, that much is apparent, and it hurts so much. I wish that I were capable or good at something, really anything at this point. I want to not be worthless, and to get out of my own head for once. It would be better if I died, most likely, but of course I won't

In my class the other day, I went to an empty room to cut myself, and it's like, who does this? I'm 20 years old, and I still have this habit. I always think that I can make something out of it, that maybe I can write about it in a meaningful way. It kind of made me think of before. (have I ever written something meaningful?) it made me think of something specific, which I'm too embarrassed to name, and [  ] of course. I still think of someone really awful, who took advantage of me, and didn't love me. Maybe it's my own ocd making me have those obsessive, ruminating thoughts I mentioned having before. It makes me linger on the past. I don't know, despite feeling "refreshed" that day, I'm sill stuck in these awful in-body habits. ************, which I hate, self harm which makes me ugly, and thinking of the past. Since I've given it so much thought, I realized that these are all things I've been struggling with for nearly a decade. Maybe it has something to do with how I was "sexually assaulted." Plus things I feel I should be remembering, but can't. I've always been weird about sex because of it. Or maybe I'm only looking for something to blame.

I think about seeing the therapist I went to almost three years ago again, to finally talk about this stuff. She was the only therapist that I ever liked and felt comfortable with, but it's not likely to happen. My insurance doesn't cover it, and it's too expensive. I really want to, though, maybe it would finally help to get me out of here. Maybe I would finally be "rescued." Lol.

I think partially (wholly, mostly) the reason that I held on to [  ] despite the fucking (you weren't fucking me), the obvious grooming, the rude words, the threats, etc etc was because I thought you'd rescue me. It doesn't make sense to me now, though, because I was always still so sad. It just doesn't make any sense. Whatever, maybe it's because of my underdeveloped sixteen year old mind that I felt that way. The fact that I still hold on to that part of my life is why I'm so stunted, probably.

I feel like I have to / want to kill myself because I can't let go of any of this, it still lingers from many many years ago, not just [  ]. And I want to escape it, healing seems impossible so suicide is my new idea of a "savior." but I never work up to it anymore. As I'm typing this, I don't feel particularly sad. Though my head does feel heavy, and I'm lonely, I'm still not crying. Usually I would break down and sob or something, but I mostly feel nothing

There are a lot of things I want to be rid of, lingering and self harm are two of them. I want to stop self harm mostly because it makes my skin uglier than it already is, and it reminds me too much of my childhood. I want to be less worthless (or more worthwhile?) I want to have interesting things to say, I want to write something worthwhile, I want to move on, I want to do something. I do want to, but it feels impossible when I'm still my two year old self, my six year old self, my eight year old self, my eleven year old self. I'm still twelve, thirteen, fourteen, I'm still sixteen. Every other age is a blur. It feels I'll never escape from here, and that's where this spiral downwards starts.. It would be amazing if just one of my dreams could come true

I'm tired of typing now, I don't even really think that I should post this, but no one here knows me and no one here will read it, so it's okay I think