How online school has affected my mental health

TW// VENT

The school year started out rough. I was unhappy with all of my classmates in every single class. The only good part of the day was seeing my friends in homeroom or in the halls. the boys were loud and reckless and I got teasing comments on my name and my appearance, as always. Though I tried to push away those comments, try to convince myself that their opinions don't matter. They're middle school boys. But it swallowed me whole anyways. 

It got bad. I couldn't get out of bed and ended up missing thirteen days in the first two months of school. My only comfort was getting online and surrounding myself with comforting, familiar media. The thought of even getting up and out of bed to brush my teeth or brush my hair was exhausting to me. I only found comfort in my bed.

After discussing my mental health problems with my parents, I had decided to switch to online school. My friends told me they were sad, sending me messages, "I'll miss you!" "Why?? :(" "I hope you feel better." Though I knew their words were a decoy. A fake bandage to press onto my wounds. 

Starting online school was amazing. I felt happy that I could just sit at my desk or in my bed, alone in my room instead of sitting in a cold classroom with students all around me, staring at me and laughing at my every move. The assignments were particularly easy, as well. Read an article then answer a short quiz, read a part of a book and write about it. stuff like that. 

Then the assignments started getting longer and harder to complete in just one day. I found myself taking at least two days to do my usual six lessons/assignments daily. And, as I kept going, I found it was harder and harder to keep my head above the water, and soon I was drowning in school work. Chin deep, I could barely see. 

With the pile of school work I needed to complete came with the lack of motivation. "If I start now, I'll just have to do more tomorrow. There's no point." I started failing my classes. Help sessions, usually optional, became required. I couldn't even attend my classes anymore. I felt worthless and helpless. I had dug my own grave. 

I currently have almost 25 missing assignments, an essay included, and I feel hopeless. I don't know what to do or where to start. I try my absolute hardest to start and get them done, but by the time I load up my laptop and look at the number, I get overwhelmed and just have to put it away. I can't do it. But I need to, and I don't know how. The end of the semester is coming up and I'm panicking. With my grades and missing assignments, I think I might get held back this year if I don't do something about it soon. I'll be stuck in this endless cycle forever.