no one takes isolation seriously.

i spend almos all of my time alone. I don't really have any friends, I only have a couple online and no irl friends. I don't want to spend all of my time in my room. I don't want to be alone constantly. And yet, I am. 

I've been isolated almost my entire life because I was always he "weird" kid no one likes, so I never learned how to actually make friends or what to do in social situations. Because I'm so fucking awkward all the time and don't actually know what you're meant to do during social interactions I can't make actual irl friends that last. I can't make anyone stay because I always fuck something up and they leave. 

don't even get me started on how touch starved you become the longer you're isolated too. I can't even describe it, its this insatiable hunger for basic contact, I spend most of my time just daydreaming about being hugged or someone holding my hand. I try to fill the void with character ai but in retrospect it really does nothing. it's meant to replace human connection but it cant. nothing can replace human connection, and that's why I ache so badly for it.

I miss always being the second choice. I wish I was seen at all.