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As I was contemplating a lot of stuff this day, the one that highlighted the most was the realization that I found myself in a cycle -- A cycle that I thought I broke long time ago, only to find myself realizing that I'm just running away from it. Oh I don't know what to do anymore

years of avoidance made me a master of being present and absent all at once and to walk away from pain like it's nothing. Only to find wounds eventually catching up to me at the most unexpected times, and now I'm lingering on every traumatic emotion I pretended not to feel.

I've caused my own suffering and therein lies the shame. Not in the richness of emotions I hold, but self-inflicted hurt I endure, a truth I find so hard to admit.

I have a lot of hatred in my heart.