Social Anxiety and Human Interaction

Social anxiety is like being stuck in an invisible box. Or like being locked in a cage but you have the key. I know if I just stop doubting myself and worrying about how people perceive me or could perceive me, my social anxiety could be washed away. But taking that first step out of the box or putting the key in the hole is for sure the hardest part. 

I remember right before quarantine when I was actively working on not being so afraid of interacting with people and I was really trying to put myself out there more. I would create small goals for myself like raising my hand at least once a day or giving someone a compliment; and for a while that helped, it helped a lot. But since quarantine it's only been downhill. In September I couldn't be in a room full of people for more than an hour without having to run off to the bathroom for ten minutes just to be alone' and this went on for months. 

As of recently its been a touch better, I still often avoid social situations. Unless its with people I enjoy, or because of my people pleasing tendencies if I made a promise I refuse to cancel; even if I feel like sobbing and puking before going to meet with the person. 

I think the thing about social anxiety that makes me feel so shitty is the fact that the actual human interaction isn't always bad, definitely sometimes, but most of the time I actually enjoy myself and love having conversations with people. The part that sucks is actually thinking about going out. I sit in bed and think about my class and how ill have to talk to the girl that sits next to me or how I might have to look my professors in the eyes when the room goes silent. But the second i'm there it's never as bad as I make it out to be. Sometimes ill have some awkward interactions where I respond in an odd way, or I end up giving a blunt response that immediately ends the conversation, or I consistently avoid eye contact with the person, or I simply just say something stupid; but most of the time the actual interaction I have with people aren't bad. 

I think the final piece of this all is I really enjoy being alone. As of recently its been in a much more positive manner which is quite nice. I used to like being alone and sad, but since I've been at college and able to be alone and independent it feels like I'm my own best friend. I don't really have any friends at college, but that's not a complaint by any means just an observation. The only reason I want friends is so when im in public places alone people don't pity me or perceive me as someone with no friends. But I genuinely really enjoy my own company.

Anywho if you've made it this far in my little overthinking rant that's great, thank you.