Catching up: what the heck, life

Okay, gosh, it's been so long since I even opened to check Spacehey. My mind and life has been so out of whack recently, I'm still trying to regain some ground. I've been finding myself spending time on things I would prefer to not really spend time on, but here we are?

Man, homesickness is a bitch. I've been so caught up in frusturation with waiting for my immigration process to be finalized, I just want to live a normal life again. For about half a year, I've practically been living as a house maid, cleaning up after 4 other people and a dog in a tiny apartment; not something my autism brain has been super hyped about. 

I've been feeling myself spiraling so much, wondering if this is really what my life is; just cleaning. Cleaning every day. Even if I bust my ass off to make sure everything is neat and nice, I'd be right back at the beginning the next cause no one cleaned up after themselves, I did. It got to a point where I was just so burned out, I was always so sad. I'm still sad and struggling, it's only really gotten better a day or two ago, but just having one (1) day where I don't feel an active need to sanitize the whole kitchen has been so beyond words relieving. I've gotten help with all my daily tasks like laundry, walking their dog and the cleaning, it's been so wonderful.

I've been homesick though. The US is so big and I miss the simplicity of my small homecountry. I'm not entirely sure where I see myself in the future. I've been so conflicted on whether or not I am where I need to be. It's such a hard feeling to deal with when all you truly want, is to be with someone you love. Love does strange things to you, it's been pushing me through all of this pressure for half a year, and now, I just can't take it anymore. I'm so burnt out. 

I'm trying to incorporate more time spent on going outside and I've been trying to meet more locals through Reddit or Facebook, but it's still exhausting. All I really wanted was a regular life. I've been stressing about this and been told that I'm "acting as if I'm just at the starting line when, in reality, you're so close to the finish line", but I don't really feel it. There's so much uncertainty on when I'll be able to pursue a regular life of work and studies again, but when it does come around again, I believe I will be whole.

Nothing can even begin to describe the anger I've had - the anger I still have. I've been wanting to scream almost every day, today is the one day I've felt more or less at peace. I went walking in heavy rain, did yoga for 30 minutes, cooked some food and took a nice shower, but a part of me has been so confused as to what to do all day.. Normally, my day would be so consumed by household chores and stress of figuring out WHERE exactly the dog peed on the carpet again.. Only to then be forced not to..? It's a weird situation.

I just hope things continue to look up like this. I've been feeling little motivation to stream or even play games; something I've always loved doing. Now, all I can think of is just getting my normal life back, FULLY.