notes from a stranger online

Uni sucks, late teens and early 20s suck, people suck, the world is cooking and the US elections will be the start if the fall if modern society, everything sucks. And it sucks so bad to be a young adult in this time to the point where I need professional help, but I can’t afford it because now you have to pay for happiness, yay capitalism! So here I am, having a mental dillema at 20.44 (8.44PM) in my mother’s kitchen with a glass of wine and a fucked up attempt at writing my physics uni lab work.

My mom is giving me a lecture on why uni is a great tike for opportunities and making connections, all which I already know, plus this is the 96th tike shes probably giving me a lecture on this same topic whenever I come visit her. Oh yeah, living alone in an empty apartment without any friends around or to see regularly is actually horrid, I wouldn’t suggest starting uni and living on your own and alone on top of that. 

Today’s been more boring than I can imagine listening to a 3 hour presentation on why drugs are bad, drugs are bad, we all know that, can we move on now? I woke up late, skipped breakfast, skipped a mornjng shower because I was late and went to catch a bus to go see my parents, almost fell asleep on both busses I had to take.

Got drunk in the middle of writing this and passed out, woke up being choked to death by my fat dog sleeping on me, wonderful start to the day if you ask me. I have a light headache and a disgusting sore throat but it is what it is. 

I’m 6 assignments behind and I have half a day to muster up some answers, so, lol, uni first year students out there, it’s straight up survival games, I wish I had taken a gap year, but it is what it is.

I wrote that about 4 days ago, I’m now 10 assignments behind even tho I submitted 5 of the originally missing 6 assignments, gotta love uni, really.

I’ve come to a realisation that people really do find me appealing only when I go along with a flow and offer my body, it’s funny. I crave a heartfelt connection, man or woman, or anyone at all, all I crave is companionship from someone who will still adore me in my worst, someone who could still look at me with adoration while they hold mt hair up as I throw up from alcohol overconsumption lol. 

Though it’s not really “realistic” honestly, so I’ve made peace with the fact I’ll be alone, I’ve made peace with the fact people will only want to pursue my interest for my skeletal complexion and the flesh covering it, I’ve made peace that I’m unlovable, I’m simply just desirable, and that’s okay.

It’s funny, really. I’m writing this during my maths lecture, contemplating any attention I’ve recieved from pst partners, rather than doing the work that is crucial for me to pass my midterms.

I really should have taken that stupid gap year, I just feel stuck, I have so many opportunities in uni, which is great, if only I ever had a life outside of my self depricating academics.