Venting (Just needed to talk, read if you want) :)

Note:This is very messy and unorganized, I'm aware

No way to start this off other than I feel terrible. For a little while I have been going through a lot with family issues, bad friends, etc for around 5 years. It has really taken a toll on me mentally and I just need to talk to someone. I do have friends to talk to but I just feel like a burden when talking to them about myself, because I really don't wanna give them all my problems. So I sort of just feel stuck not wanting to talk to anybody about it. When people say I can talk to them I say I will but I wont because being on both sides stuck. There was a long time where people would just say all their problems to me and it sucked, I felt the need to help them and I tried to but it hurt me a lot knowing that they were hurting like that. With that a lot of my friends have attempted and with some of them it has worked (LLA) and having to worry about whether I'll see them again stressed me out. Which leads to why I feel like I can't talk to people. Recently I've been trying to, but not to much just so that it doesn't hurt them. Which hasn't worked I either say nothing or say everything which is why I try my best to just say nothing. There have been a couple times where I have attempted and all it does is hurt others. Usually before I do I will text my friends I love them (which btw is a big mistake) and they freak out, which I can't blame them for and is completely understandable. The problem is I don't want them to freak out or be scared at all. If I'm being honest it just makes me feel way worse. I don't like seeing them worried or freaked out. People have called and texted my parents to make sure I'm ok (which I am very greatful for) but that just makes me worry more about them. If it gets to a point where you contacting someone's parents then obviously you have to be pretty worried. I hate that. I don't want my friends or anybody really to feel any pain at all, but because that's not possible I don't want them to feel pain because of me. Which hasn't worked. I have caused lots of pain on my friends and some of them have made that clear to me. I can't blame them, their making how they feel clear and I'm good with that especially because I try to and communication makes a good friendship. Though problem there is (if you know me do not read this part please :P) it makes me feel bad which I deserve because it's the consequences of my actions but I just don't wanna do that to them nor feel like that on top of everything else. But I just always seem to do something wrong :/

Anyways that's my rant, feel free to say how you feel about anything or about relating in the comments and I hope you guys have a good day/night :)