it's a matter of media ੈ✩‧₊˚

2024.11.13 - oversharing, ranting?

📍chile, south america.

every time i feel like my life is going in a direction i don't like, i rewatch the first episode of grey's anatomy, followed by the 21st episode of the 1st season of house m.d. 

i've been doing the same since 2019, and somehow it conforts me. 

i've tried over the years to find that same confort on other pieces of media, books, music, and i was successful for a while. i got completely obsessed with hannibal (nbc) first, and later i bought all the books, consumed every scrap of media i could. it brought me confort for a while, then ao3 fanfics also pumped me up of serotonin.

and then i fell back on grey's and house m.d. 

since i worked briefly at a hospital while doing my clinical hours, i know that both shows are completely unrealistic to me, since the US spends an almost 20% of GDP in healthcare, while in latin america that percentage won't go up the 10% in most countries, it's unrealistic especially since the amount of resources & modern solutions are scarce in at least a 60% of latin america, but god, in white america you have it all, with the perfect blondie plus the perfect little husband and the perfect little kids, i should want that, right?

yeah. but i am not white. and i am not remotely interested in men, and i had an abortion so my stance on kids? not for me. 

comfort juxtaposed with frustration is slowly making me lose my mind. i have such a deep yearning to become the easy little thing that doesn't have to think, because i am out-of-my-mind exhausted these days. i am also completely disgusted by white America, the real white America, with the capital A, of assholery. 

when that clown got elected, ugh... just thinking about the repercussions for the rest of the world makes me gag. that was the worst case scenario for anyone with an ounce of functioning neurons and access to the internet, because i cannot believe the stupidity, the naiveness, the idiocy in 2024, when the access to the internet and the facts is so widespread. 

i am angry. i am angry at Meredith Grey, at Allison Cameron, at the 53% of white ignorant women who voted for him, and any other white women that for a moment made me think about white America, and i am also mad that the USA is a fucking cancer that cannot wait to metastasize. 

i am not mad at the men because i never had any hopes in any of you. i don't waste my energy or my time in feeling things for any of you all. #4B