Oversharing Session #1

(I’m just using SpaceHey to just place my thought!! I love yapping. Btw my grammar is not the best don’t shit on me 💔)

Honestly, this has been one of the most bittersweet years I've ever had. I've lost and let go a lot of people that I never wanted to let go from. I've opened up to my parents and got the help I needed after feeling like I was dying each time I thought for years. It feels weird knowing that I've moved on to a completely different part of my life, I don't think I would've believed that this would've happened if I told this to my past self. I was so lost and frustrated. I remember wanting everything to go away and I would try to find ways to escape from it by thinking recklessly. Things, people and my own body stopped me from completely doing these things of course. Im more than grateful that those plans were never completed and they were only ideas. 

I've lost a lot of friends, mostly drifting apart or just dropping them. My brain finally understood that it was normal and its okay for things like that to happen. I used to be so confused when people leave and it was always hard for me to stand up for myself and kick people out of my life. I've lost one of my closest friends/groups this year, we left on a good note though. I just kinda remember feeling suffocated with them and I had troubles communicating with that. (Honestly, both sides didn't know how to properly communicate but we both admitted that to each other and to ourselves) It's just kinda hard processing that the people I used to talk to almost everyday or people that knew me for the longest to be not a part of my life anymore. However, I would never completely shut them out of my life. I still leave a little opening in case they need someone to reach out to. It's just weird not having them around anymore. 

I've gone a long way with romantic relationships, I was genuinely so impatient and reckless with my decisions and with my time with the people I got with. Never really knew them as a person until further in the relationship tbh..It's ok I've learned my lesson though lmao. I had to learn it the hard way and I have to face the issues with myself and learn how to gain self-respect. I was super, super vulnerable during the first few months of 2024. I never really liked anyone I dated this year either. It was never really genuine and it was honestly just attachment. When they told me that they liked me, I was so quick to say "yes" to them. I was extremely lonely during 2022- 2023, I didn't have anything going on and I was extremely miserable for the entire year (considering that I got out an extremely traumatic relationship.) I'm starting to believe that the way I felt during 2022-2023 affected the way I behaved during 2024. It makes a lot of sense if you just think about it honestly: I spent most of my time in my house, spoke to some people but I wasn't really open with anybody even with close friends. I would daydream scenarios where I wouldn't be alone and would be more happy than I was at the very moment. Most of the time it was romance that I craved for. 

I didn't get to learn who I said "yes" to and I ended up having a difficult time communicating with one of them and I ended up getting cheated on by the other one. 

I don't really care about either of them though. The recent one is someone I thought was my best friend but he didn't really know how he felt towards me. It just felt like I was just being hated on by him constantly. Him loving me felt rare and I wouldn't feel it sometimes or I would only feel it for a little while. I remember a month after him and I broke up, he texted me. We ended up talking things out and I cried in the audio messages; explaining how I felt. We were ok for a couple weeks but arguments started to be more frequent and it was hard to rekindle with him after them. I think it was just hard to not pretend that the break up never happened. It was hard to be friends and it was hard to be lovers. It was difficult to be anything and I remember wishing that we never knew each other at all. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way too. We both regret meeting each other. 

Being strangers was the best option honestly. That was something I realized in my last argument with him. I remember he texted me that he hated me, despite me trying to help him when he was confused. I actually don't know how he felt..I don't know if he didn't know how he felt either or he just didn't wanna admit anything at all. I'm not sure, I'm not him. I can only say what I assume. 

I just kinda realized that he really, really wasn't worth it. When he said that he hated me and the entire relationship was nothing, I started to believe and agree with him. I told him that I hated him too. I hated him. I hated myself. I hated the both of us. 

Then I blocked him and everything was silent afterwards. I didn't really feel sad, I was more angry and disappointed. However, the hurt only lasted a couple hours and I felt free. I felt like nothing was holding me back from anything anymore. Afterwards, that hate disappeared. I don't hate him, I just don't like him. I still wish him the best though, I'm not mean. I got into new things and I started planning more for myself. I started enjoying my life and I've become more open with my friends and with people around me. I've made more friends and I've made more memories. I've felt free.