what do i wish people knew about me?

i wish people knew that i'm not always as okay as i seem. i feel like that's very cliche to say but it's true. i do a good job of putting on a mask and acting like this happy and excited person, especially when i feel anything but. i crave a vulnerability that i'm too frightened to bring to fruition. part of me, i think, fears that i won't be taken seriously. another part of me fears being pitied. i have lived struggling with a torrent of emotions i can hardly understand let alone contain at times and the last thing i want is to be pitied for those emotions and the things they evoke in me. still, i want people to know that i'm not okay. i don't know why. they'd never understand it, understand me. i think they'd think i'm more stupid than anything because what do i have to complain about? of course, that's the thing. it's a spiral. i pretend to be okay so everyone thinks that i'm okay and that everything in my life is okay too, my parents, my home life, my everything. and that means if i ever let it slip that i'm not doing as well as i seem, everyone will think i'm just being spoiled and stupid because my life is fine. maybe i'm overthinking. i would like to think i am. i would like to think that if i said, "i'm not okay and i don't want to act like i am right now", people would be understanding. i would be able to speak about the things that weigh so heavily on my mind and be comforted or least just listened to. that would be nice. my fear gets the best of me. i suppose that's what people should know most. most times, fear rules me.