I haven't felt the breakup yet :/

Me and my now ex girlfriend were together since January, I asked her out first ;333 At the beginning, I understood why they didn't want physical touch because of how early our relationship was and I also understood why she didn't want to tell anyone. I was her first girl/real relationship and she was my first girl relationship, it was so new.. In a good way, of course. I end up meeting her family, she meets mine but- as friends. My mom knew I was Bisexual, which is why I didn't care about our relationship being public. When it came to people out of our friend group or any family, our relationship was nothing. At all. I let it happen because I didn't want to force someone to come out.. but for someone who didn't show care or publicity in our relationship, she wanted everyone to help stalk me. 

The stalking started early, I didn't know at ALL. At the time, I had 2 Instagram accounts. One for online friends and one for people irl. I had gotten a friend request from a bot and thought nothing of it, only accepting it for the follow. But in March, one of my friends admit to helping her stalk me on the bot account and messaging almost all my followers to ask about me. I thought it was weird, why didn't she just ask about it? So one day, when I had her phone and she was gone.. I kinda went through it, just to see her socials. She had 5 tiktok accounts, all different names and personas. And 2 insta accounts were the only ones I knew about.

This is when I realized, I didn't know her. Only what she wanted to show me of herself. I didn't really know her backstory, how she became the person she was today, or how she came to like me. All I had were her interest, her favorite things, and the loud, soft, nice, aggressive personality she showed. I loved her though, she got me and I got her. Everyone saw how close we were, like bestie who did everything together. That's all it felt like. A tight friendship.

So it started the first breakup, 2 weeks only, we were back together. I thought it was different, she was more open, more loving with me. I enjoyed it. The laughs, the dates, the walks. It was cute. But I hated it, I hate how I put myself in the same position of a relationship I wasn't happy in. It was a friendship just with a bit more love. I wanted to feel your touch, to hug, to cuddle, have my first kiss, fucking something other than awkward hugs. Yet, I couldn't say it. I was disgusted with myself, we were so different. She seemed like a person who didn't want the contact and there I was, being a weirdo and too hypersexual. It was ruining my relationship because I wanted something she couldn't give. I fucked up.

By October, it was done. She didn't want it and I didn't want it, she ignored me for almost 2 weeks before pulling the 'we should take a break' card. I knew we were done. And we were. Not even 3 days into the break, our relationship was gone.

I love her but should I really let go?


11/11/2024 8:18 

- Mari