</3

don't read this... i'm afraid you'll catch my stupidity and die

I really can't understand what's happening, sometimes I wonder if it's always been this way, even though i know it has. whenever i'm sad like this, for a prolonged period of time, it feels like i've never been this sad before. evem though i know i have. 

 i've always felt this incapable, unable, unworthy, i've always known that i'm all of these things, but sometimes i had this distraction i can't name, so i always call it my savior. someone i think will save me sometimes comes along, but they never do... they let me believe it though, and i think sometimes that it helps, but it doesn't. it never does help, but i'm always grateful to have the thought. i forget sometimes that it's better if i die, but i won't die, because i'm scared. i wasn't scared before, i don't think i **really** am now, it's just an excuse. i don't know why i won't die, LOL, i really don't. . . i'll never have what i want to have, or what i think i want to have, because of how incapapble i am. because i'm incapable, it's just too unrealistic. i can't accomplish anything, because of how i am. i'm going to give up soon, stop trying very soon, i won't let this illusion keep tricking me. it doesn't just hurt me, but those around me too

 i can't do even the simplest of things, in fact, you would laugh if you knew how seriously feeble minded i am. it's hard for me.. even just getting out of bed is hard for me, doing anything is really really hard for me. and i can't sleep most nights, i can't even properly express how i feel. no amount of therapy or prescriptions can make me any less worthless than i am now, LOL, it's actually really really funny.. it's really laughable, if only i could make something out of whining and being worthless

♡