solitude, and the fear of vulnerability in love

lately, i've been thinking a lot about how i actually want to move forward in life- especially in the topic of becoming involved with someone romantically or choosing to remain single until i figure things out for myself. but during this pursuit, i begin to dehumanize myself and forget that it's only human of me to crave for intimacy. it's always been my issue that i've become so self-independent, then i became even more of a hermit after a morbidly disgusting romantic affair with a man-child. 

and right now i actually am interested in someone, the problem is they don't seem to be interested in me. they're exactly my type, as if they walked straight out of a file in my notes app describing someone i'd immediately be frothing at the mouth for. i try not to take it personally, well i usually don't anyways so it's not arduous for me.

but then i wonder as to what i'd do if they did like me back, if they wanted to pursue me wholeheartedly.. what will i do then? will i flee out of fear or willingly accept it with a warm hug and a beaming smile? i already know how i act when i am in love, it consumes me. i'm afraid of someone having so much control over my own emotions, the feeling of losing autonomy over the next course of events terrifies me. 

this has been bothering me a lot lately, it's a pressing matter. i've been learning how to decenter my thoughts on romance, it takes up such a huge space in my life. i don't want to have to feel the need to be loved or be in love, i know i am full of it and that the world already supplies me with so much light and kindness; still i can't help but wonder how it would feel to look at someone in the eye and know that their heart sees you, and that their soul touches yours. how would it feel to completely surrender yourself to the unknown? to love with purpose and intention while letting your feet walk flat? no broken glass to tip toe on, no hard pills to swallow.

but how can i love without letting it consume me? how can i love without losing myself? that's what i'm always worrying about.

so i do nothing, i let the cold winds guide me to where i need to be. but i still can't help but feel that i'm now letting my fears eat me alive. 

i like to be alone and i enjoy my solitude, i thrive in it, i also thrive in the company of my loved ones. it's something that's hard for me to sacrifice, it's very precious to me. so i accept that it is necessary to be afraid yet yearn to be known at the same time. we are paradoxical in nature. i've come to terms with the fact that i probably will continue to feel this way, but i'll eventually learn how to live with it. i'll learn how to bask in the sunlight without letting it burn me.