a digital journal, i'm feeling strange so don't mind the language.

lately it feels like i haven't had emotions. i know i've felt things, and that my head still produces the hormones that make happiness and sadness, but i keep forgetting that i ever felt them. it's strangely calm and hollow at the same time.

i think the only thing i can remember from the last week is that somebody won the US presidency. i feel like granting this thing a "name" or the word he's accepted as his "name" is overly generous. i feel that even calling the country by its "name" is generous. why do foul things like them remain? i think one of them could easily be destroyed. there are many right persons-at-the-right-time-and-place for a single corrupt person to be killed.

i feel a detachment from my local world after it all. my friends who are more like friends-of-a-friend are no longer friends with my friends-of-friends. my friend who is frankly a fetishist seems to have gotten in too deep with the sort of illness he desires. my friend has lived here for years and is still not considered to be living here. my friend has to evacuate eventually for their own safety and she's the only one i'm scared of losing contact with. i feel like an observer to it all, someone who has nothing happen to them and does nothing and lives so mundanely it's empty. i manufactured someone interesting for my friends to know and i'm not sure if i'm interested in maintaining it.

there is something in me that also just wants to destroy things around me. the pale-skin blonde-hair blue-eye boy who wears a durag to make a false gangster image because he thinks he and his friends are gangsters, but he's really an idiot who only knows slurs and military romanticism. the bright stock-theme slideshows required by law that are shallow repeats of the same lessons every year. the commodification and mockery of race and disability that becomes an everyday "slang" and everybody uses mindlessly. you ever wish you had a lighter that could destroy anything? people, objects, intangible concepts? i want to burn words and pixels and the sort of personality my classmates have.

maybe my head is leaking. my brain matter remains in my brain but my consciousness is somewhere else as an angry observer. i think it'll come back at some point. maybe i'll choose to break apart the things around me when that happens. i don't know. i think i want to read or eat something.