love, sex, friends, self

Love (not familial love) once seemed fairly black and white, but it very much is not. I have two friends in the "ride or die" designation that I used to struggle with weirdness about also feeling love for, like I might feel for a lover or partner, trying to explain it away as possibly being invasive, uninvited or unrequited and therefore wrong.

Yeah, it's never been wrong. Boundaries between individuals will change the terminology and expression thereof, but the feels for friends are legit and that should be normalized.

Aside from friendships, I want other partner type relationships again. This may or may not be a blurry thing from the above to some people, and that's ok.

Additional factors that are creating a shift in me are the fact that I'm already polyamorous, but in the past my other partners were all tied into a sexual drive I had that was VERY strong. My body and brain have changed, and with it, my sex drive and concepts of needs and wants from my relationships. I used to seek other partners for mostly sexual needs before, not emotional exploration or sharing of vulnerabilities in depth. In therapy I've learned that maybe I never really had a true, two way experience of shared emotion and vulnerability, and didn't even realize it until I finally DID have that. Now, when post pandemic times come I hope to find myself once again seeking or deepening secondary, loving companionships, but sex barely factors in, if at all (I mean, cool if so; I'm perimenopausal, not DEAD. But, no longer a purpose in itself).

I want cat nap piles and cuddles with people again, be you friends or lovers or partners. Physical comfort and a safe place to be myself even when I'm a hot mess (which I suspect in some ways, I'll always be). I want to feel LOVED. And I don't want to be paralyzed in my head about the nuance of it anymore. This is meant by me as being distinct from sexuality or sexual feelings, which may or may not have influence on my concept of love here

Brought to you today by some good home grown and my therapist living rent free in my head.