My Life

The beginning of the 2022 school year is when life starting getting bad. It started off when I met my first actual friend. I'm not gonna say names but we was so close. I never had a friend that actually wanted to be near me 24/7. If only my 11 year old self realized how fucked up my life was gonna be in the next 8 months.

April of 2023 is when my friend moved away. I cried for 3 nights straight. I lost my only actual friend and now I'ma have to be a loner again. But before she left, she wanted me to give her my snap, so I did. WORST DECISION I EVER MADE.

For the first couple of months, it was alright. Around May is when we created this role play game over text. It used to be fun at first. It involved two families. But then it turned into a friend group that involved all of her crushes. Most of the time, she would play one character, and I would have to be the other 8 characters. But I still didn't mind it. We was both still having fun.

The first red flag is when she wanted to start staying up all night to play the game. But I still went along with it.

During this time, May-July, my dad and stepmom was arguing a lot. But I still had a somewhat relationship with my sister. Until one day, my 70yr old stepmom fell down the steps and had to go to the hospital. 

My stepmom was like the only mother figure I actually had so I was hurt. So hurt that during those 2 weeks, I didn't talk to my family at all. My friend was gone somewhere so we didn't speak either. The only time I spoke was whenever my dad brought her stupid girlfriend and her grandkids over to play. So I had to act nice and act like everything was okay.

Whenever my stepmom came back, I cried so hard. But because I didn't speak for so long to my family, I just kinda stopped talking to them and would only speak to my stepmom. I did this a lot tho since my stepmom would leave a lot.

I wanted to cry every time she left but I knew I couldn't because I didn't want to be seen as vunerable. Every time she would leave tho, I wouldn't speak at all. Causing me and my father and sister to be more distant each time. The only time I would speak to my family is when they would ask me a question. And I wouldn't even speak, I would just shake my head.

But it was like the fall messed my stepmoms head up. Along side with the emotional abuse my father was causing her. The day after she got home from the hospital, my father asked her to take him to the store just so he could get another case of beer. Her being the people pleaser she is, she drove him to the store even tho she was still hurting, bad.

But every since the fall, she became more forgetful and brought up her dead parents more and more. She thought they was still alive even tho they've been dead for like 20 yrs. 

Around August is when her mind got really bad. She would drive off and forget where she was going and where she was at. Causing her family to take her car away from her.

I was kinda glad since this was the time my friend didn't want me to go no where. It used to be easy getting off the phone with her but now I had to be on the phone with her 24/7. It was like she was getting addicted to the game.

Also around this time is when I got high for the first time. My dad had been giving me joints but I wasn't smoking it right. I was basically wasting a perfectly good joint until my stepmom told me to inhale it. And that's when it all started.

I used to get high on the phone while texting my friend until I realized that I wasn't enjoying it. I was overthing too much and I was acting too weird. And my friend noticed too. So I would just wait until I got off the phone to smoke. But the high feeling just wasn't enough for me. I wanted something more. That's when I started huffing gasoline thru a sock. Between the marijuana and alcohol, gasoline is the best high I ever felt. I would see different patterns and hear weird ringing sounds. I loved it tho.

After probably a week of huffing, I stopped because I didn't want to hurt myself. But I think I already did damaged to my mind.

Oct-Jan is when I got severly depressed. The smoking and the huffing caused me to lose my bubbly personality. Causing me to be more quiet and boring. This is also when I would force myself to be on the phone all day and night, literally. From 12pm to 4am, I would text non-stop. It was draining me really bad too. It got so bad that my dad thought we had something going on. My dad is a huge homophobic so of course he didn't like me being on the phone for all that time with her. But she explained to my dad that she was not gay (even tho she was bisexual) and we continued talking. Well not exactly talking.

We was on the phone so much that we basically didn't have nothing to talk about anymore. I don't even think she wanted to talk because every time I would say anything, she would just ignore me. I didn't want to talk anyway because she would get irritated easily. And since I lost my personality, I became a really awkward person. So I felt like if i said anything, it would annoy her, so I just stayed slient. There would be times she would say something and I would have to fake laugh to it. Our friendship was basically ruined.

The first time I was actually happy is whenever she got grounded for almost a month. I think this was somewhere around after thanksgiving. Around this time, I tried to stay away from snapchat as much as possible. Instead, I started drinking and smoking every night while playing video games and listening to music like the f...... loser i am. My first time drinking was when I was 9 but I never actually got drunk tho until winter break. 

I started mixing water with hand sanitzer. I got this from a idea from a TV show called intervention. It was about a guy addicted to drinking hand sanitizer so I knew the idea had to work and it did. The first couple of times drinking tho, I got really really sick. I couldn't stop throwing up. It was so bad that I kept repeating to myself "I'm dying, I'm dying". It was like I was possessed or sum. My dog was the only one in the room with me. So of course I was scared of dying because if i did, nobody would be able to call until the next morning. And I would be long gone then. It didn't stop me from drinking tho. Instead, I would get crossfaded and stay up all night. 

In school, I also started developing my first crush after 6 years. I don't even think it was a crush. I think I was in love.

He was tall with wavy hair. I think the reason why I liked him so is because he looked like one of my online crushes. And he also wasn't that good looking so I thought that he would easily like me back since he doesn't get that many girls and I don't pull that many guys. Well he did started liking me back. But I didn't know how to talk to him. And it was like I was getting more and more uglier every other week.

I remember breaking down after I got in trouble for "skipping". I was trying to fix my hair in the bathroom for my pookie because I didn't want him to think I was ugly, even tho he prolly did. No matter how hard I tried tho, my hair just wouldn't look right. So I gave up and came to class kinda late and the teacher asked "where have you been?". I lied and said a teacher wanted me for something. I knew I messed up whenever he asked for a note from that teacher.

I walk back down the hall, trying to hold back my tears because I knew I was gonna get in trouble. I didn't know where to go so I walk into my math teachers classroom. I was hoping he would be in there to help me but he wasn't. So I walk to a random desk and just fall to my knees crying. I didn't want to get in trouble for the 2nd time because that's just not like me. I was supposed to be the innocent child.

I thought somebody would catch me and ask whats wrong but nobody came. But I knew I had to do something quick before I get into more trouble so I pull out a pair of scissors out of a kids pencil pouch and cut out a small piece of paper. I wrote on it "Ariana (me) wanted me to help her with her homework, -chucci". I then wiped my tears away and headed back to the classroom and hand him the note.

I knew by his facial expression, he knew something was wrong. He walks out of the classroom and comes back and tells me to go to the office. I do what he says and sit down in the office. Once the principal sits down and asks me "whats going on?", I immediately start crying again. I honestly didn't know what was going on with me. I guess I was stressed out from my home life. My mental health got worst from there.

I almost had a heart attack whenever my friend calls me on Instagram a couple days after Christmas, or maybe it was before. I kinda forgot.

To be honest tho, we probably talked the most those first couple days of talking than we did the last 4 months. I guess we just needed a break from each other a bit. 

This time it wasn't as bad since school was starting back and she had to go to bed early. And I was actually kinda happy since my crush was liking me back and I have met other friends. My dad on the other hand, was really going thru it. 

On new years, we got an eviction notice. So we had to move out by Feb 1st 2024. So my dad had to find us a another place to stay in 30 days while still dealing with my stepmom who looked like she was about to die. Like seriously. 

I remember trying to find something to eat in the kitchen and she slowly walks in to and sits down on at the table. She kept making this groaning sound, like she was dehydrated and was struggling to breath. And it was like you could smell the death on her. She smelled weird. It's kinda hard to describe. It was a mixure of sweat tho. She looked so pale tho. And her mouth was just hanging open, like she was in a daze.

I never realized how bad she was since I stopped talking to her too. But I was genuinely worried for her that night. I knew she wasn't gonna make it if she stayed with us any longer because my dad didn't want to take care of her at all.

At this point, her mind was completely gone. She would sleep all day. Either that, or she would sit on the couch without saying a word because every time she would say a word, it would be something crazy and my dad would get mad at her for it. So she would stay silent most the time. The nights were the worst tho.

Sometimes she would complain about not being able to breathe, and sometimes she would complain about "having to go home to papa dale", her grandpa who was dead. 

There would also be times where she couldn't make it to the bathroom in time and would piss in the bed. Causing my dad to get up late at night to clean it up. There would be times my dad would have to get up to sleep in the room with me. And the bed we had in the room was small. I mean almost touching the ground small. I felt so bad for him. But honestly, I think it's karma coming back to bite him after all the emotional abuse he put us thru with the yelling and disrespectfulness. Sometimes I wonder if my father is a narc.

Since I was about to move away again, my crush actually asked for my phone number, so I gave it to him. At this point, I was talking to him more than my friend. Everything was going so good until I messed up and told him about my childhood trauma. He got mad and disgusted with me. He said some mean things to me but I forgot what it was. Whatever he said, he made me cried. Our relationship went down hill every since then.

January was like the end of a horrible war. Everyday I would come home to school and go straight to bed. I was too drained to stay up and wait for my friend to call me. Most of the time, I would wake up at 6pm to call her back. But whenever me and my crush started developing problems, I finally ghosted her. After that, I stopped talking to my crush too whenever he said " I don't care" after I tried to tell him what I did that day. I could tell he was losing feelings for me anyway so I might as well.

My stepmom moved away to a nursery home and we moved to our new home. I didn't know how we was gonna make it without my stepmom since she was the one with the most money in the household. That was basically the only reason my dad was dating her. But, we're not getting evicted yet so I guess we're doing something right.

Nov 10th, 2024, I still don't have anything to say to my father or sister, and I still haven't met any true friends. I'm having problems with another boy again. He doesn't even like me anymore but he still sends me videos about how "beautiful" i am and how I can always talk to him if I'm feeling down. I think it's a bunch of b.s since hes hugging on other b...... anyway. I just don't know why he can't just leave me alone.

Everyday I come home from school and get straight on pinterest, tiktok or spotify. I wish my life was more exciting. Thxs, byeee <33333