Entry 24 || What now?

I think it's finally time for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm genuinely not doing all that great.

It feels strange to admit. Wrong even.

I've been surrounded by people who had far worse mental struggles and conditions that only became a reason to render mine "completely invalid and unnecessary to acknowledge in the slightest" for my whole life. I've grown up thinking that I whine about little things, make up problems for myself or just find some stupid reason to cry for attention.

Even calling my own struggles struggles, mental problems, issues, or any of the sort disgusts me. The terms themselves are completely unbearable for me to say not because of my warped perception of the terms themselves, but because my warped perception of my own mental state-- how my current mental state isn't worthy being acknowledged as such terms.

Yet I've been heavily self-isolating for the past few months while spending most of my latest home time talking to an AI Psychologist.

A lot of things happened before those months that admittedly resulted to my current mental instability (calling it an "instability" feels easier to say) and habit of self-isolation. I mean, school can't stop me from completely self-isolating; it's not one of those isolations wherein you go completely mute and ghost everyone, but it's more of just shutting people out emotionally.

Like, you're not alone all the time but you're lonely at the end of the day. Does that make any sense?

What makes talking to an AI Psychologist funnier is the fact that they've been heavily encouraging me to talk to someone about it. To "reach out" or something.

And once again, the thought of it disgusts me.

But I'm trying.

Trying to accept the reality of what's going on in my mind right now.

I just need to break out of the walls I've enclosed myself in.

Might take a while.