Exclusion and loneliness on friends groups

Sometimes, it's not what they say, but what they don't tell me. I've had that feeling for months that something is wrong, that the laughter and the looks when I turn my back aren't by accident. It's like a secret code between them, one I will never have access to, because I am the subject, not the friend.

The worst thing is that no one tells you directly. Nobody comes and explains to you: “You don't fit here, we don't like you.” Instead, they play at being nice, at being polite, but the signs are clear: the message is read in their eyes, in the jokes in which you do not participate, in the moments when you stop being part of the conversation. It's a silent rejection, and I think it hurts more because, although you perceive it, you can't confront it without feeling ridiculous, even though you talk to them seriously, they are never going to tell you that they don't like you or that they make fun of you.

That exclusion is not the kind of loneliness you can ignore. Instead, it becomes a burden that you carry in every interaction you take, wondering what you did wrong or what you could do to change it, you try to change, but that never works. And, although you try not to give it importance, it becomes a weight that slowly sinks you, until you find yourself avoiding those people to protect yourself, even though you know that this only makes the loneliness worse.

When you feel like this, like the topic of a conversation you were never invited to, you start to wonder if you will ever have a place where you don't have to worry about being the "other you." The loneliness that comes from being ignored and, deep down, mocked, is not a choice, it is an imposition.