Missing someone who i didnt really know

So, this might be long so just prepare for that. I normally don't do these types of long typed rants, but I've been inspired by others on this website, and I also just want to get this off my brain. Apologies if this isn't all the way coherent, I'm not very smart.

Exanimate

(adj.) Once but no longer alive

The feeling of hearing the dead is something that has always been a subject that I've thought about over and over. Especially in modern media because there's so many people able to make a mark on the internet with their devices. It is true that what's on the internet stays forever on the internet but in a bittersweet way it's nice to keep the memories of those we came to appreciate. 

However.

I always feel guilty about missing a person who never even knew I existed. I mean they were a Youtuber who I never sent messages or typed in their live chat. Even if I did it would have gotten buried under everyone else same excitement. So was a very one-sided type of knowledge of the other. I still feel happy when hearing their voice and rewatching their livestreams over and over gives me a bittersweet feeling in my stomach. 

But then when I haven't remembered him i get these reminders.

More so like videos that pop up on my feed, or when i wake up and see that his video has popped up on autoplay.

I guess im still in the denial stage of it all.

It was announced 2 years ago, yet it all seems like yesterday I was watching his streams, and he was just

alive

it's hard for me to understand my feelings about death

But i hope his family, friends and especially his dad, are doing alright.

I can't even begin to imagine their grief for him.