may or may not who knows

I kind of feel like I make everything worse for everyone. Like, I rarely see someone genuinely excited to be around me, and most of the time doesn't really talk to me. I feel awkward, and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, but nobody tells me if I am or not. I think they're all just bottling it up, so they don't have to hurt my feelings. I mean, I'm really not funny either. I just scream and yell. I'm just not funny at all. And I've got to be the most awkward, annoying, ugly, loud fucking person ever. I'm supposed to be the comedic relief, and I'm not even fucking good at it. I think I'm just trying way too hard, or maybe I'm overthinking it all. Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe I should just stop. Maybe I should be the weird outcast that nobody talks to again, because when I was, I wasn't so self-conscious and anxious. I just didn't care. But now I try so hard, taking hours out of every morning to look pretty, and nobody even cares. Maybe I should just ghost everyone but Grace, because she's the only one that treats me like a human. Maybe I should just give up, stop talking to people, stop trying to act interested in shit I don't care about for other's approval, just to get made fun of for what I like. And, if I did ghost everyone I knew, maybe their lives would be better. Maybe without a complaining, self-centered, unimportant piece of shit like me just left them alone, maybe they'd be happier.