Why I stopped trying to make friends

My longest friendship was with someone I knew for seven years. I met her in third grade and we were both the quiet kids in class so we hit it off pretty well. It was a very chill friendship. It was like we knew everything about each other but at the same time, we didn't. We hung out 24/7 and constantly messaged each other after school. 

In fourth grade, I was getting bullied by a certain group of girls and I obviously told my friend about them. To my surprise she disagreed with me saying they were nice to her and not mean people. A couple weeks after that they befriended her and she turned her back on me.

But that same year I met another friend. He was considered the weird kid and he got bullied too. Except it was worse than me which sucks. We didn't necessarily hang out or talk so much but we did play a lot during recess. He was pretty annoying though. I remember one time he kept making noises with his mouth during class and I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't. I got mad and when recess started I told my teacher about it and also said that I was sad that we were mad at each other and didn't want it to be that way. She called him over and we both talked it out.

In fifth grade, the friend that turned her back on me suddenly became my friend again. We acted like what happened in fourth grade never happened which made me wonder why she suddenly changed her mind. I asked one time and she just kept shrugging and telling me nonstraightforward answers. So I just assumed they weren't the kinds of friends she was interested in being around. That it didn't feel the same hanging out with them than with me. That she felt left out when she was with them. That they didn't talk to her as much as I did. I assumed a lot of things so I ended up just shrugging it off. She was my friend again so it was whatever. I was still friends with the guy I met in fourth grade, we just didn't talk as much since I was with my friend again.

Sixth grade in middle school, I started seeing some changes with my friend. We didn't have any classes together but we were still pretty close. However she would sometimes judge me for things I couldn't control or for no reason at all. I talked to her about it and she apologized but there were still times when she'd kind of cringe a bit when I'd say something. My other friend on the other hand, he got very close with me. Like very close. I don't know what it was that suddenly caused him to say hi to me every time we passed in the hallway or to want to walk with me to my classes but I had a feeling he wasn't making many friends or possibly getting bullied more than he did in elementary school. I felt so bad for him and I hated that he was going through that. He was so kind to everyone and just tried to have fun but people always hated on him for that.

Seventh grade, covid hit and we were all doing school online. I kept in touch with my friend but not as much as we did before. I gained a new interest and shared it with her and she told me about one too. I was surprised when she told me she was scared to share her biggest interest with me cause she thought I would judge her for it. Like lady. The only judger in the friendship is you. In what world led you to that conclusion??

Eighth grade was when everything fell apart. Well, sort of. My best friend didn't have any classes with me again but this time she made new friends. A whole group of them. An annoying one too. I sat with her at lunch everyday and oh my god. Gossip. Gossip. Gossip. And everyrhing they gossiped about was never true. They literally just say the first thing that comes to their minds and spit it out. And my friend believed it! I literally look at her in disbelief every time she says "oh my god really??" Like when the hell did you become so gullible. And every time I tried to talk I just get interrupted and my friend wouldn't stick up for me. Or when I try telling my friend about an interest she just waves her hand saying she isn't interested in it anymore. One time her friend told her to follow her cause she wanted to tell her something crazy that happened. She followed her and whispered it to her and my friend got all shocked and stuff. When I asked what she said she just waved her hand at me like I was a wasp saying it's nothing important. More like I'm not important, the hell? I told her about how it made me feel when her friends werent around and she just didnt take me seriously. I embarrassingly and stupidly started crying telling her she changed and doesn't even see me as her friend anymore. She put on a guilty face and said she didn't mean to make me cry while trying to hold back a smile. After like a week I got over it. Mainly because I met a new friend.

She was a girl I met in my gym class. She had another friend who was one of the popular kids at school. That of course led me to hang out with her and the popular kids. They were surprisingly so much fun and I actually felt like I was having fun with a friend. A group of friends. I never would have imagined I'd end up having a whole group of friends. I always had one or two since people didn't like hanging out with me much due to my bullies spreading rumors about me. I know it sounds like I was finally happy and feeling great but this was actually when things really went downhill.

Being friends with the popular kids changed me and I didn't even realize it. My childhood friend the one I met in fourth grade still hung out with me. He still walked with me to my classes. However, he was still getting bullied pretty badly and I knew people wouldn't like it if they saw that I was hanging out with him. So I distanced myself from him. I had finally exchanged contact information with him and we communicated that way. At home, we texted and talked a lot. At school however, I did everything I possibly could to not be seen with him. After about a week I noticed he caught feelings which really took me by surprise. There was a time in fifth grade when my friend dared me to go up to him and tell him that I liked him. I liked him yes but not romantically. I did it and he just looked uncomfortable and ran away. I mean I know a lot of time has passed and stuff but it was still unexpected. He didn't confess or anything he just made it pretty obvious. Now, did I feel the same way back? No. No I didn't. Despite being friends for six years, I still knew nothing about him. Which was weird. I guess it was mainly because we hardly talked about ourselves on a personal level. Even though he liked me however it didn't change anything. He was still my best friend. The one that stayed with me the longest. And he was also very fun to be around. I wasn't gonna stop talking to him just because he liked me romantically. One day he asked me if I liked anyone and I told him about a crush I had (to be fully honest, I did not have a crush and just picked a random dude who I thought looked SLIGHGLY attractive so I could seem like I had one like all my other friends did. Stupid. I know. I was very immature and childish.😪) When I pointed him out he told me it was a friend of his. I literally just said oh. He asked if he wanted me to introduce me to him and I said no cause I literally didn't even like or know the guy. 💀 

Now here's when things went downhill. One day I was making my way to my class after lunch and suddenly an arm goes around my shoulder. It was my friend's. My friend's arm. Was around. My shoulder. In a crowded hallway. I panicked. 

I looked uncomfortable and kind of tried to hint that at him but the guy was NOT taking the hint. Was i actually uncomfortable? No. It just took me by surprise. Did i appear uncomfortable? Yes! I didn't want to be seen with him. ESPECIALLY with his arm around my shoulder. So when I reached my class and finally got away from him. When I was alone, I pulled out my phone and sent one last text before blocking him.

"Don't ever put your hands on me again."

Booo! 🍅 Booo! 🍅 I know. I hate me for doing that too.

A day after, I was sitting in my math class and what do I notice is written on my desk? 

"Mal likes ____"

I was. Furious. Furious. 

THE GUY WROTE DOWN MY FULL NAME TOO. FIRST AND LAST.

Now I will say this now, he's so right for doing that. My selfish ass deserved that shit on so many levels. At the time did I think he was right for doing that? No. I 100% did not. After class I stormed out to find him in the hallway. I found him walking to his next class carrying his notebooks and binder. He got anxious when he saw me. I shoved his notebooks and binder on the ground and slapped him. And the last thing I ever said to him was "don't ever speak to me again. We're strangers from now on. Forget everything we've ever went through together." And I walked off leaving him picking up his binder and notebooks by himself.

That day was his birthday.

The rest of the school year, I spent it with my group of popular friends. In truth, I did actually have fun with them, but I didn't actually feel like I was being myself around them. I couldn't. 

The school year ends and summer break starts. They all ghost me. Every. Single. One of them. Even the girl I grew very close with in my gym class. She was so kind and fun, she was the last person that I would have expected to ghost me like that. They all were going to be going to a different high school than I was so I wasn't too affected by it. I thought I'd just meet new people and make new friends.

WRONG!

Freshman year was the worst school year of my life. And the year where I was at my lowest.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I had literally no body to spend time with. And to top it all off, I was getting bullied again. However the bullying didn't affect me as much as before. It was just annoying.

I ate lunch at an empty table alone, I always sat in the corner at gym, I was always last to find a partner in class, etc. Basically I was a total lonely loser. 👍

There was a few dark things that I went through that year too but I won't get into it cause it's hard to talk about.

Now despite it being the lowest point of my life, it was also the one I needed most. (And deserved.)

Im eighth grade I was the nastiest most selfish human being on earth. And i hate myself for that.

Experiencing this low point in my life changed me. It matured me. I realized all the wrongs I've done to people and my family and I feel really guilty for them.

However. It also made me realize how none of the friendships I've had have ever lasted. No matter what. They always ended. One way or another. And not once did it end in a positive way.

Now I know that my friendship ending with my guy friend was my fault. I'm well aware of how mean and selfish I was but my other friends all turned their backs on me and ghosted me.

I was always left alone and I hated that.

I always asked myself what's the point of making friends if I'll end up being alone again?

So I stopped making friends. 

I stopped talking to people and completely shut myself away from the world. Except for my family. I love my family very much.

The stop of making friends was very lonely and it made me sad seeing everyone enjoying the company of someone else' but through time I've come to accept it.

Not only accept it but I've also come to like being alone and enjoying my own company.

Experiencing that low point in my life made me realize how wrong I was towards my friend and it made me feel really bad. I wanted to apologize and start over. However he never appeared in my high school. He was supposed to. But never did. I don't know where he is right now or what he's doing but I hope he's doing well.

I'm a junior now and my life feels great. I'm enjoying my time with my hobbies and family and school isn't so bad anymore. 

I wrote this to share why I stopped trying to make friends but also to say that anyone can change. Either now or later and either for good or bad. It will happen.

I know I'm not perfect so I still work to improve myself everyday to make up for the wrongs I've done in the past.

I hope everyone sees a message in this and takes it to heart.