post election vigil / queer social grief

i don't consider myself very reactionary; emotional, yes, but when it comes to expressing those emotions around others i feel disadvantaged. so when my professor told me about the queer vigil happening on campus, my thoughts were simultaneously oh that sounds uncomfortable and that sounds nice.

tues night i kept checking the polls until i knew, and then even after i got that gut feeling. i eventually fell asleep... in the morning i was not surprised. i was not taken aback. for all intensive purposes, i felt alright. which is to say i wasn't feeling much at all.

the vigil was so much nicer than i thought it'd be. a lot more emotionally grounding. free food, dogs to pet, & a room full of minorities who understand the threats being made to them, who share the same fears... yeah it doesn't get much better than that. of course, in my typical stilted fashion i felt constricted as well. i probably stood around awkwardly eating pizza and failed to continue instigated conversations for 20 minutes before i started feeling like i could speak up, and even then i was a bit shaky. by the end, i had somehow hung around for 3 hours. i could feel myself wanting to just be around people that night. it helped. & i think that's what set me off... the acknowledgement that it was okay to be upset right now; okay to be hurting. i keep wanting to cry.

the department was talking about setting up more of those kinds of meetings, and i really hope they weren't just saying that. i hope it happens soon. better yet, i wish i could actually be helping them organize. i want to make those spaces real on campus in a way that isn't just a club space. genuine, drop-in hours for people to decompress and heal together. i don't know! something in between a therapy session and a club meeting. is that just friends hanging out? LOL... but i don't know many people. it's hard to picture myself being in that sort of position, making myself seen and conversing to get the word out.

somewhat related: i don't know what a "social transition" is. sure, when asked, i will assert my pronouns. i suppose i'm "out" to all my friends. i don't think i act more masculine any more than i act feminine. i'm still not "out" to my family. i don't think it's safe for me to be. i try not to think about these things. i try not to interact with people on a general basis, and if i begin to obsess over how i am perceived by new people i will never see the end of it. & it's not as though i don't have friends, i just have trouble going to them when i'm hurting. i feel as though they have social support systems i do not, and fear being seen as someone always in need of help.

still. i really want to build that support system for myself. or in turn, build it for others. i guess what it boils down to is me feeling too up in my head to community organize? i don't know why i immediately turn my head at organizations like GSA... my identity doesn't define me, but wanting to be around other people who understand and respect that identity is something completely different. it just feels silly trying to make friends when the basis is just, oh you're trans, me too! well... how's the weather? in any case, i plan to go back to volunteering soon, awkward disposition or not. maybe that'll give me some answers on how to start setting up events myself.

yesterday practically everything on my feed was saying something to the effect of "trans people. all you need to do is live. just live right now." & i'm feeling quite conflicted about the matter because why is the assumption that we're not going to? at the same i understand how desperately that message needs to be internalized. sometimes it truly is a time of survival. but i want to do more than survive. i want to really, genuinely, live with other people as myself. i want to make that possible.

being visible and making myself visible are two different things in my head, and the latter is so so scary. the implications of the election are gaining distance on me. but the queer people in the US are not going anywhere. queer people everywhere have always been around. the thought that we're getting so much resistance, so much hostility, in a way gives me relief; we are visible. we are being seen and heard and people don't like it because we are visible in ways we were not before. that will not change, giving ourselves grace together will not change. i just need to be more open to it. believing in that community is a lot more favorable than not being seen at all. x