what floating brain theory means to me, my thoughts on death, fears

so, i recently learned about 'floating brain theory', also referred to as 'boltzmann brain'. if you're unaware, this theory describes how the likelihood of there being infinite galaxies and universes, multiple different species and different beings with consciousness is so devastatingly low, that there is actually a higher chance of you just being a spontaneously formed, singular, floating brain. this brain, while existing in a void, would create a world, people, history, and memories to sustain itself and convince itself it isn't alone in a sea of nothingness. 

i have chronic anxiety, and learning this has both made it better and worse.

i think it has made me more patient, kinder, and introspective. if i think about everybody, not as a separate being with ulterior motives and malicious intent, but rather, an alternation of me, an extension of my own mind, i am quicker to be more forgiving and loving in situations i would typically not be. i think this is also connected to unconscious biases i may hold, like the fundamental attribution error. FAE is, to my understanding, an unconscious internal bias where you will judge another persons character based off of their actions, but judge yourself based on the situation you're in, therefore justifying your own actions over those of other people. i think boltzmann brain has ever so slightly alleviated me of this bias. it has provided a warmth, and hope that there is any hope at all. 

alternatively, having learned of floating brain theory, i now question most every interaction and experience i have. i feel derealized and disassociated, and an overwhelming sense of numbness. it is difficult to have real, genuine experiences when i am convincing myself that the experience isn't real, or that i made it up. i feel an underlying sense of discomfort and resentment for most everything, very likely as a reflection of my own self hatred. sunlights raging heat is my own self hatred manifested into my "physical reality" being magnified into a spotlight on me. the freezing air deadening my fingers and nose is the loneliness that envelopes all that i really am: one, isolated mind in the dark, bitter vacuum of wherever. 

i have struggled with suicidal ideation in the past, however, i have also always just had a morbid curiosity with death and dead things. i was not raised in the church and my parents did not force any type of religion on to me, so i was free to make it up as i went. i do not remember whether or not my parents explained death to me, but i am pretty sure i also figured that out on my own time. i have been intrigued by the idea of reincarnation, i think it is comforting to think you may have another chance at all of this. i also have been drawn atheism, i think it is also comforting that i never have to do this again. interestingly, the heaven and hell idea has never been very attractive to me, and while i think some variation of it may be plausible, i am quite uninterested. however, i do like to think the paranormal is real, and i have had a few experiences myself, so i guess that is another route we could go. 

boltzmann brain has provided me with two (sort of) different ideas; 

one, being what basically is atheism. the idea is that you are a brain without a body, any real memories, or any real connection, you likely do not have a soul, and death is your brain just expiring, and that is it. nothing before or after, or technically during.

two, being a little more out there. one singular form of consciousness existing alone in an abyss might not even be able to die. this theory is essentially that the brain will either loop your life cycle(death is just the transition back to your birth, living the same life over and over), or the brain will just rinse and repeat, creating another persona after what would be our 'death'. i wonder if the brain is human in every repeat? or do you think traits are selected at random each time? (e.g. now you are human, next time you could be a rick and morty style alien, etc.)

everything is much more beautiful, and so much uglier than i could have ever assumed. i think that is quite commonly the case, though. people are losing hope and finding joy quicker than ever. i personally have never feared death, and why should i? its inevitable. it happens to everyone. i fear living quite a bit more, actually. when something devastating happens, eventually it is over. it can be instant, or slow and drawn out, but eventually, it ends. and even if it happens again, it will never happen exactly the same way. and that is so horrifying. life will keep on going, with or without you, and depending on how you look at it, that is either devastating or a blessing. in the famous words of beatrice horseman, "time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses. It merely marches forward".

i am so afraid of losing track of my life and realizing i have wasted it and that it has passed me by. but i am also horrified of being painstakingly aware of every waking moment i exist for. i used sleeping as a coping mechanism for a spell, id take multiple naps a day, sleep early and wake up late. all in an effort to not have to live through the day, existing as practically a walking corpse, never really asleep, but never really awake. alternatively, there was a period of time where i struggled with substance abuse, and there is couple month period of time where i have almost no memories. i am afraid of letting everything slip away and not experiencing what life has to offer. 

i often let my anxiety hold me back, but what if it never mattered? what if i say no to every terrifying opportunity in an effort to avoid fear, and there was never even anything to be afraid of? if none of this is real and i only made it up? if this all will loop over again, and i will say no AGAIN to every opportunity as a completely different person, over and over? or, it doesn't even matter that i say no. that if im going to do it again, i will have another chance at it. but then what if im not doing it again, then why not let myself be comfortable during the one go i have at this? 

ultimately, the conclusion everyone comes to (that nobody follows), is that nothing matters. i was getting at this before, but that either is very good or very bad news. this entire thing was mostly a brain dump, and pretty convoluted. hope it wasnt boring, lol